tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48124121359850548552024-03-13T07:02:05.508-04:00Mezzo ForteMezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-45962601670289858622017-02-03T13:19:00.001-05:002017-04-21T10:36:05.608-04:00MyrtleThe 2016 holiday season was filled with nostalgia. Okay, okay, I know...all of them have been that way since Dad died but this year was especially poignant for me because I lost another very dear loved one.<br />
<br />
Cassie Tanner passed away on Thanksgiving morning. It was news I never wanted to hear about my beloved "Myrtle". She was 95 years old and remained fiercely independent until the very end. I can't exactly recall when she officially grabbed this special place in my heart, I just know that I can't remember not knowing and loving her. Ours lives became intertwined through church work. I was a young(ish) first time staff member (director of youth and children) and she was the long time AA and bookkeeper. When I arrived in Hinesville, GA, Cassie was already in her 70s but you'd never have known it! She was sharp as a tack with a wit and charm to match! She was a southern lady in the truest sense of that term. I loved her immediately, although I think I had to grow on her but I did and she became one of my dearest and most trusted friends and THE most awesome roommate! We shared a very special bond.<br />
<br />
Once we moved to the Atlanta area it was more difficult to visit in person but she was only a phone call away. She was always a night owl, which is one of the reason she and I were perfectly matched as roomies, so I would wait until the kids were in bed and the house was relatively quiet to call her. Often, she'd be watching David Letterman or the late news when I'd call. We'd talk for an hour sometimes two. Then, as we'd start to hang up...we'd both pause and one or the other of us would say, "I love you". I always loved how Cass told me she loved me...there was always a tone of intention. She meant for me to know that she loved me. Cassie was not a "gusher". She didn't throw words around all willy-nilly but when she said those three words to me...I knew she meant them.<br />
I could go on and on about all the reason I treasure Cassie and the years spent knowing and loving her but I will save that for another time, perhaps. What I do want to say is that knowing her, loving her, being with her, having her trust me and confide in me and love me as if I was one of her very own forever changed the pattern of my life's tapestry. She made the colors of my life richer and deeper. She showed me the depth of true friendship...a shared bond that isn't diminished by time and space. I love Cassie...yes, LOVE in the present tense. Just because she is gone from my sight and removed from my reach doesn't change my love for her; that love reaches across the veil and will until we are together again in Heaven.<br />
<br />
I miss her voice. I miss our talks. I miss knowing that she's rambling around at the Plantation. I miss my friend...immensely.<br />
<br />
Hey Myrrrrrrtle...it's Les! I love you!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-29857680192329317042016-04-11T16:06:00.001-04:002016-04-11T16:10:00.842-04:00When life hands you lemons...This journey called life is a beautiful broken journey. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows and everything in between. When the journey is your own, it's often easier to deal with those peaks and dips but when it's happening around you to those you hold dear...well that's a totally different perspective.<br />
<br />
The old adage, "when life hands you lemons make lemonade" comes to mind. It sounds so simple and yet so difficult. When life hands us lemons, the knee jerk reaction is to FIX IT! Fix that "thing", that situation or circumstance so that it goes the way WE see fit. GO RIGHT NOW AND FIIIIIIIIX IT! I've found that my attempts to "fix" usually just make things worse. Instead of rushing out to fix it the better thing to do is BE STILL. Just take a breath, be still and know that HE IS GOD! Nothing that happens in this life ever takes God by surprise! NOTHING!!! NO THING>>>EVER! He doesn't cause everything to happen but it all passes through His hands. He allows some things to teach us and help us grow. Other things happen because we try to control our own destiny instead of waiting and trusting...OH BOY, AM I EVER GUILTY OF THIS ONE!!! When you're in the middle of the "lemons" it's hard to see the way out so we just start stomping through those lemons all the while squirting that acidic juice in our wound/hurt/circumstance/situation, that only makes the hurt/circumstance/wound/situation worse! It only causes it to burn more...so did it help to stomp through the lemons? Nope, not one bit!<br />
<br />
I struggle because, frankly, I'm a stomper and the older I get the more "stompy" I am! I know it and those close to me know it. If something is wrong I say confront and move on but that isn't always what God wants us to do. Yes, sometimes a little stomp through the lemons is what needs to happen. Confrontation isn't bad because it brings change but the confrontation doesn't have to be caustic - well timed confrontation brings about healthy and needed change. So when I feel the need to STOMP, that's the moment that I need to stop...take a breath...and BE STILL in His presence. Just wait and listen for His voice. Wait for His guidance; His Word...just be still and wait. If we wait for God's timing...the lemonade will be so much sweeter than if it was made by stomping through the lemons.<br />
<br />
Lord, I know you're try to teach me to wait on You and to trust Your timing. It's so hard sometimes because what we see doesn't always match what we are claiming and believing. In those moments, we must simply be still and wait...and trust. I'm learning to trust You more, Lord Jesus but I still have a ways to go. Father, help me not to stomp through the lemons but wait on You because waiting on You makes the lemonade sooooo much sweeter.<br />
<br />
So, Lord, when life hands us/ME lemons help us/ME just to step back and wait on You and not run ahead and make a sticky mess. In this life, there WILL BE LEMONS but oh what sweet lemonade YOU CAN MAKE if only we/I will BE STILL and WAIT, TRUSTING that You are already there!<br />
<br />
Still learning to wait and trust,<br />
Your beloved "stomper"<br />
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-20107980102946751782016-03-23T09:48:00.000-04:002016-03-30T09:06:10.902-04:00Dad chose JesusFor the past 3 and half-ish years, I've been asking "why"... why did Dad die? How could Jesus take him away from us when He knew how much we loved him? Why didn't God intervene and raise Dad up and make him whole in this world? I've spent more time than I should have asking these questions and yes, at times, doubting God's love and goodness. What I've come to realize is this; God didn't "take" Dad...<br />
<br />
My mom shared a story with me and at the time I was like, "yeah, yeah, Dad chose Jesus...duh, that's why he's a preacher" but as that story has replayed in my mind over the last few years it finally sunk in...<br />
<br />
My dad was always telling us how much he loved us - we never doubted his deep, abiding love for us. Mom was telling me about a conversation she and my dad had many years ago before I was born. She and Dad were talking about ministry and he expressed to her how much he loved her and what she meant to him then he came the "BUT"... "but if I ever have to choose between you and Jesus and what He's called me to do, I'll choose Jesus." At first thought, I was offended that Dad would say that to her but then I realized that's what God calls us to...to leave ALL earthly things/people/places and follow Him. Dad loved Mom and me with ALL of his heart...but his first love was Jesus...just as it should have been. I realize now, that my Dad didn't love the things of this world - he loved people and his desire was to lead them to Jesus...show them Jesus...be the hands, feet and heart of Jesus to all he encountered.<br />
<br />
As I reflect on those words, I am reminded again that Jesus didn't "take" Dad from us...Dad CHOSE to go be with Jesus when given the chance. I shared this thought during the service dedicating the library at Cornerstone Church in Dad's memory. I had never really thought of it nor did I plan to say it, but God gave me those words in that moment and my mom repeated my words back to me at a moment when I was again questioning, "you should listen to your own words sometimes." LOL My Dad made the choice to go and be with Christ - face to face. This Savior whom he'd preached and taught about, this Father whom he'd loved wholeheartedly and served so faithfully - when given the opportunity to choose between this life and the next...Dad chose Jesus. He had made that choice long before that November day when he stood on the cusp of eternity. He chose Jesus and he followed after Him with reckless abandon in life until the day the Father scooped him up and carried him to Glory.<br />
<br />
My Dad left me more memories than I could ever write down or tell but the most important thing he left me and all who knew him, was a legacy of love and faith. I knew my entire life that my dad loved me more than anything in THIS world. It made me strong, courageous and confident. How much more strong, courageous and confident I am in the love of Jesus Christ!! My dad didn't just tell folks to "lay down their nets" and follow Jesus...he showed them how to do it and do so with joy! <br />
<br />
<br />
In the words of "Kojak", "who loves ya,baby?" The answer to that question is God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit! He chose to love us even while we were yet sinners...WHO WILL YOU CHOOSE? I CHOOSE JESUS!<br />
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-18863495197020461082016-02-18T12:39:00.000-05:002016-02-24T14:57:57.727-05:00The Good Ol DaysI MISS THEM!!! Yep, I miss "the good ol days"! As much as I love the modern conveniences of life as we know it, I miss the days of my childhood. I miss having one phone in a central location, "rabbit ears", the singing of the National Anthem at the end of the television broadcast day, no answering machines or cell phones. I miss that simpler time. The days before social media...ya know, when people thought you had money if you had an electric typewriter and that you were a millionaire if you had a computer at home! Yep, those days are the ones I miss! Don't get me wrong...I LOVE reconnecting with friends and loved ones via Facebook and email but wasn't life just a little less harried "back in the day"? Sure, we were busy - out and about but if we were out and about we were untouchable to a degree. Anyone who needed us would have to wait until we got home to get us. There wasn't a constant state of "connected-ness".<br />
<br />
I'm forever watching "retro" television. It drives my tribe NUTS!!! My husband constantly ribs me about watching "old tv" and asking me why I want to watch those shows. I think it's because while I'm watching Match Game, The Carol Burnett Show, Gilligan's Island, All in the Family, et al I transported back to that simpler time...the good ol days. A time in my life when my biggest concern was passing an English test or wondering if my high school football team win that week. In reality, I think it mostly revolves around the fact that while I'm watching The Carol Burnett Show or Laverne and Shirley I'm transported (mentally at least) back to my childhood. Back to the days when my "original" family, my first family was intact and life was simple (for me at least)...a time when all three of us were all still on this big blue planet - present in the body. In my mind's eye, I can see my Dad standing at the stove shaking that big stock pot with oil, salt and kernels in the bottom to make popcorn. No microwave or air poppers back then. I can see my Mom laying on the floor in the den with her "husband" pillow; blanket thrown over the vent in the floor to capture all the heat blowing up from the oil furnace. I can see (and sometimes even smell) the live Christmas tree we had every Christmas with the big multi-colored bulbs and the silver tinsel topped with snow from a can. I can see it and smell it and it makes me smile and ache all that same time. It's weird because I'm so blessed and happy in the present...but sometimes I just long for a few moments of the "old days".<br />
<br />
I hope that at some point my children, when they are grown and living on their own, they will look back at this time in their lives, their childhood, with the same fondness that I have when I look back on mine. I hope that they see their dad and me "doing" and "being" and I pray it makes them smile. <br />
<br />
I think after you release a parent into eternity, the "old days" take on new meaning. As an adult, I've always cherished my childhood and the days at home with my folks. I didn't cherish them while they were happening...I was too busy growing up and too young to realize how absolutely magical those moments, days, weeks, months, years really were - how I wish I'd known!!! I'd have made a point to soak up every hug, smile, laugh, joke and yes even the moments of being disciplined (Yes, even I had to be corrected and sometimes it even required a spanking!! SHOCKING, I know! LOL)<br />
<br />
I encourage my children to soak up every moment and to be present in every moment because moments only happen once. It's hard for kids to be present in the moment...but I continue to encourage them to do it. There are so many things that I can only vaguely recall from my childhood and young adulthood...I know there was so much FUN but I can't remember the details. I often have people ask me, "Hey, do you remember when we..." or "Do you remember the time we..." and it makes me sad that I can't always say yes.<br />
<br />
I really can't explain the ache or longing that sometimes creeps in but I do know that it brings a beautiful mixture of laughter and tears. Laughter because it all happened and tears because I'll never pass that way again. Make the most of every moment and BE THERE...be ALL THERE!<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-54086501918336661532016-02-18T12:35:00.000-05:002016-02-18T12:39:51.583-05:00Holidays pastNOTE: I started this post during the holidays this year but never published...so here it is.<br />
<br />
I find myself a little more sentimental this year than last...it's interesting. Interesting because I keep thinking that it'll get better, that the tears won't be so close and the longing won't be so deep but it doesn't...get better. I had a very dear friend tell me it doesn't get better, it gets different...not better ` we get stronger but it's never better... just different. She's right! I do find that I'm stronger (most days) but that feeling never goes away...never gets better. As the days pass, it just feels different.<br />
<br />
The last few weeks, I find myself remembering. Remembering holidays past and it makes me smile and it makes me cry but mostly for that moment the longing seems to ease if only for a moment. I hear an old Christmas tune and I remember Christmases spent at Fincastle in the parsonage. The smell of the real Christmas tree and the oil heat. I can hear my Dad popping popcorn in the metal pot that he had to shake back and forth over the eye of the electric stove. I can see my mom in her spot on the floor - blanket thrown over the vent to catch the heat as it blows and inflates her blanket (that was a coveted spot, by the way. I remember Christmas programs in the sanctuary at Fincastle. At the end, Santa would come down the center aisle and all the kids would go home with brown bags full of fruit and candies. I remember big coats, snowy nights and dinners at my grandparents. Nanny Ross' homemade chocolate pies and the coleslaw and ham and Nanny Bruce's. I remember the coal burning stove that heated Papaw and Nanny Ross' house and the buckstove at Papaw and Nanny Bruce's house.<br />
<br />
I look back fondly at the holidays I spent with wonderful friends who were more like family while I was at Lee College (University) and at Disney and couldn't get home for the holidays or had to go a little later due to work. Those are still special times and bring a smile when I recall them.<br />
<br />
There are so many memories and they are so vivid that most of the time I can smell all those smells. Occasionally, I'll get a whiff of a scent and I'm suddenly 7 years old all wide-eyed with Christmas wonder. It's not that I miss being 7 years old really but I miss that time. A time before smart phones, personal computers and cable TV. It really was a kinder, simpler, "gentler" time. I miss the faces that sat around the table and those smells and that feeling of excitement. Most of all, I miss my Dad. I know that for the last 3 years, Dad has had a seat at the best banquet and he is surrounded by those faces that I miss. He is happier than he could ever be here in this world...but I miss him. I will miss him for as long as I'm in this earthly vessel but I know where he is and that he is happy and well and safe and I find comfort in knowing this truth.<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-53389552286222245572016-02-18T12:32:00.002-05:002016-02-18T12:32:57.348-05:00When God is silent.NOTE: Another started but unpublished until now post. I've come a bit further in the journey since I initially started writing this post.<br />
<br />
Over the last 2 years I've heard a lot of things. I've heard my children laugh, cry and argue. I've heard my husband tell me he loves me and heard him cutting up with the kids. I've heard a lot of sermons, scripture, encouraging words but one thing I haven't heard the voice of God speak to me. He's been silent.<br />
<br />
I can say that I've felt His presence, while not necessarily realizing until later that it was indeed His presence in the form of a friend hugging my neck, sending a note, or giving me a reassuring look...I know that it was the Heavenly Father working through folks to minister comfort to my broken spirit.<br />
So, when God is silent is it because He really isn't talking or is it because I'm not listening or can't hear Him because of the chaos in my mind and heart? Let me tell ya, there's been A LOT of that in the last 2 years!!! I have struggled with trusting God and feeling like my prayers are effective. It has seemed to me that the things for which I've prayed have gone the opposite way. Well, opposite of MY will...there's the rub. Why is God's will not my will and visa versa? My will should be that God's will be done in my life and the lives of those I love...right?Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-89003991784703989332015-12-18T09:50:00.002-05:002015-12-18T09:54:16.309-05:00'Tis the season...This holiday season has been a season of reflection for me. As we make the journey to the manager during this season of Advent, I'm reminded of the great love of our Heavenly Father. I am aware of it on most days but this year, for some reason, I am made more keenly aware.<br />
<br />
I LOVE the season of Advent!!! I love the lights, the food, the time away from work, but I mostly enjoy the time spent with loved ones. There are many loved ones who are no longer able to celebrate this season here on earth with us and that leaves a huge holes - gaps in our lives that can never be filled again in this first world. Life moves forward for us but in a very different way. That hole, that loss, that infinite missing and longing...it never really gets "better" it's just different. It's a wound that never really heals. As time passes, it forms a protective covering but it's very thin and can be ripped away by something as commonplace as a scent or a song. We laugh and celebrate but always with an ache...sometimes it takes our breath away and other times it causes our cheeks to glisten with tears for a time gone by but more often it brings a warm feeling way down deep knowing that we are so much richer for having loved those folks so deeply.<br />
<br />
I miss my Dad. I make no excuses...I miss him every day and feel his absence in a very real ways every day. Sometimes that missing brings a flood of tears, sometimes a feeling of inconsolable longing but mixed with that is ALWAYS a warmth and love that is inexplicable...I can't describe it, it's something you have to experience. People tire of hearing about the loss of our loved ones but I don't think I'll ever be ready to stop talking about my Dad. Giving him over to eternity has brought to the forefront the loss of my grandparents. I miss them more now then I did when the loss was fresh. I think it also has a great deal to do with the fact that my own children are growing up...entirely too quickly, might I add! I am beginning to realize that sooner than I'm really ready for it, things are going to change within my four walls. I think that only adds to my reflective state.<br />
<br />
My Dad's passing has also made me more intentional with my Mom. My mom is not the type to gush and smooch and hug...I'm like that as well. However, I think since Dad's death we've both become more intentional with the expression of our love - showing it rather than it just being inferred. I'm not going to lie, it's difficult for me because by nature I'm just not that way. I can be that way and many of my treasured friends will tell you that they may randomly receive big mushy emails or messages from me during particularly nostalgic times (which probably annoy them...sorry). I've just come to realize that the people we love won't always be here with us. Many things can separate us from those we love...death, geography and change. So, I decided that those I love would never have to wonder - I'm going to tell them while I have them in their earthly vessels that I love them and that they are treasured by me. That's one regret I don't have with my Dad...I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him. The people who are precious to our hearts...they should know it! We should tell them! Don't say, "I'll tell them tomorrow"or "I'll see them again sometime"! If geography prevents a visit...send them a note! If you can see them...squeeze them tight and tell them you love them! If it's an old friend, tell them how treasured your time together is in your heart and that you love them. Tell your family...show the people around you that you love them! BE INTENTIONAL!<br />
<br />
This season in my life is interesting...it's a melting pot of emotions from all directions. It's a blessing and curse - my heart wells up when I think of the many people who have touched and continue to touch my life, whether near or far. It also brings a sense of sadness that many of you are far away (separated by geography or circumstance) no matter the situation, I hold each of you close in my heart.<br />
<br />
I miss my Dad but am so very grateful that my Mom is able to spend the holidays with us. We don't talk too much about Dad or memories when we're together...I think it's too hard and we haven't come far enough in the journey to do it without tears. It's odd that even as an adult I still don't know what to do with my Mother's tears. But those moments from the past are shared with a knowing look or a random remark. We share the same memories, albeit from different perspectives.<br />
I have a red berry & cedar candle that I burn every year at Christmas time...reminds me of Christmases when I was the preacher's daughter at Fincastle UMC. That simple candle brings back a flood of wonderful memories for me along with mixed emotions of happiness and longing. Sometimes I long for the days "up the valley" in house heated by an oil furnace, the only phone in the house hanging on the wall in the kitchen, rabbit ear antennas, TVs with no remote, a Christmas tree sprayed with canned snow and lit by multi-colored lights with GIANT bulbs and stockings full of fruit and candy canes. I miss the silver tree with the color wheel at my Nanny's house and the homemade chocolate pie but one thing that I don't have to miss...THE LOVE! I feel that love every time a memory comes to mind and while I can't hug those necks, their love crosses the veil of Heaven like a gentle breeze and sweeps over me and warms my heart, makes me smile and yes, brings a tear.<br />
<br />
I am infinitely grateful for the blessing of my life and the life my husband and I have made with our children. Life is a journey and ours is full of twists and turns, ups and downs and everything in between but the one thing that is constant is LOVE! We love each other through it all.<br />
<br />
I pray that this Christmas and every day beyond brings each of us the love of those we have in our lives and those who are loving us from the other shore and that we seize EVERY opportunity to LOVE!<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas!<br />
The Preacher's Daughter<br />
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-7422758861118811132015-04-27T12:12:00.001-04:002016-02-24T14:51:58.357-05:00Nothing to fear but fear itself and everything in between<br />
*NOTE: Since the original writing of this post, the Lord has brought me a long way with regard to fear and worry. Every day, I confess that spirit worry to Him and trust Him to go before, behind, above, below and beside me.<br />
<br />
Since my Dad's death on November 21, 2012 I have lived in fear! There hasn't been a day that I can recall since his death that I haven't been worried or fearful. There are days when my fears reduce me to a heap on the floor. I HATE IT!!!! I hate being a mess, being vulnerable, feeling helpless and victimized but it happens to me a LOT in relationship to fear. I have moments when I feel as though I'm having an out of body experience (no, I've never been abducted by aliens although I'm sure many have wondered over the years -LOL). The fear grips my heart so tightly that I can hardly breathe and I can't get away from it. I can't hide from it because it ALWAYS finds me.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One thing I know for sure FEAR IS A THIEF!!! It robs me of my peace and strips me of my joy! And folks, let me tell you...that makes me MAD!!!! <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-43678786039239215712014-11-07T15:31:00.000-05:002016-02-24T14:54:42.988-05:00And suddenly...it HITS me!!!Since my Daddy passed away, I have had this overwhelming longing to return to the places of my childhood - to see the people that knew him either personally or through me. A desire to touch again those moments and those people who loved me and knew me "when"...<br />
<br />
I keep trying to figure out why...why do I feel like I not only want to but NEED to go and sit in those places and at the feet of those wonderful people who knew me when I was young and my Ross family still intact...and then, IT HIT ME!!! I am an only child and these people from my childhood/youth are like siblings or extended family members to me. They can talk about my Dad and not just in an ethereal way...they knew him and knew me and now, that is all the more precious to me.<br />
<br />
I think, if you come from a large nuclear family (nuclear as in your immediate family...NOT the glowing in the dark kind) and you lose a parent, you have those siblings with whom to commiserate. Siblings to remind you of how it was "back in the day" and they, too have memories and stories that others won't and they can and should share them...often!<br />
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-40577088066864452702014-10-06T22:02:00.002-04:002016-04-27T10:35:03.348-04:00It feels like yesterday and foreverFall is in the air...the mornings are a little crisper and the evenings a little cooler. The air isn't quite so heavy and the good hair days start to outweigh the bad hair days. This has always been one of my favorite seasons...in recent years it's a bittersweet season for me as I find my way back to complete faith and total trust in God. It's a more difficult journey than I could have ever anticipated. Being raised in a household of faith, I didn't see this season coming. This season of uncertainty and doubt...never thought I'd be here or at least not this long. It scares me!<br />
<br />
I want to go back to being ok...I want to go back to being the person I was before losing someone I loved changed me...and not just momentarily...it has changed me FOREVER! I will never again be the same person I was before Dad died. "Dad died"...it still sounds so unreal - I still find myself finding it difficult to believe...but it IS real! Very painfully REAL!<br />
<br />
I miss my daddy everyday but some days are harder than others...some moments are more difficult than others. There are moments on a cool fall evening when I'm riding in my van with windows down and I hear the song of the cicada and remember the many nights riding with my Dad up the valley when we lived in LaFollette or home from a ballgame when we lived out on Bates Pike in Cleveland. I can't describe how heavy my heart becomes when I think about the fact that I'll never ride with my Dad again in this life. I'll never get to talk about the resurgence of UT football with him, sit and listen to his hilarious high school stories (I wish I had written them all down somewhere) or sit under his teaching of the Word. I miss everything about him every single day!<br />
<br />
Death changes everything! It changes the way you look at and see every situation! Every aspect of your life is eternally altered. I find myself many many times thinking and saying "IT'S NOT FAIR!" And in the flesh, it's not fair but for eternity...it's all good. My hope through this journey is that when I push through the pain and sadness, that on the other side I'll find the strong faith that my father had bubbling up inside of me. That I'll have the unwavering trust that He does have a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. The evidence that all things have worked together for good because I do love Him and want to love Him more. When I find myself on the other side of this season, my prayer is that the person I become is the person that God intends me to be.<br />
<br />
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...<br />
<br />
Pressing on...<br />
L<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-74937611262527749352014-07-28T22:46:00.000-04:002014-07-30T09:28:16.227-04:00Life LessonsAs I reflect onthe last year and eight months, I have come to the realization that we (my family) have learned a lot - things we wanted to learn and others that we didn't want to learn but needed to learn so that we could grow as a family and as individuals.<br />
<br />
Things I learned:<br />
*I can survive a broken heart<br />
*My children are braver and stronger than I ever realized<br />
*Bad things happen but they don't have to define us - the way we respond does<br />
*Letting go is difficult but necessary<br />
*People, even the ones you love and who love you, aren't perfect and will let you down<br />
*I can't control the actions of others - only my actions and reactions are within my control<br />
*If someone wants to be mad at me, they're gonna be mad no matter how hard I try to please them<br />
*I can't live my life trying to please people<br />
*It's ok that everyone doesn't like me (I hate it but it's ok...or it will be ok)<br />
*We are a flawed people in a broken world and WE ALL NEED JESUS<br />
*Even when you try your very best you may fail but failure isn't defeat unless you allow to make you stop trying<br />
*There are some things in life that can't be fixed - you just have to allow them to run their course and trust that the Lord has your back<br />
*I have to allow my children to experience failure and make mistakes - it's part of living and I have to give them the opportunity to grow<br />
*I have to allow my children to enjoy their successes and teach them to enjoy and applaud the successes of those they care about<br />
*I have to forgive folks even when they don't ask for it<br />
*It's important to try and make time to see (in person) the people who mean the most to you - even if it's inconvenient - try your best<br />
*I have to take a hard look at myself and allow Christ to heal those things in me that are broken, hurt, angry, faithless, full of doubt, regret<br />
<br />
Things I believe my children have learned:<br />
*They can/will survive a broken heart<br />
*They are braver and stronger and smarter than they ever thought<br />
*Grown ups aren't always the good guys (which is unfortunate)<br />
*Life isn't fair but we try to find the good/positive things in every situation (it's hard sometimes)<br />
*Life is hard sometimes but it's worth the fight<br />
*It's ok to ask for help - especially when the road is hard<br />
*They don't have to be perfect and shouldn't try to be<br />
*Sometimes the good things come to those who do the right thing -sometimes the good things happen to the ones who cheat and manipulate - it stinks but it's life in this broken world<br />
*Mom and Dad love them...a lot - NO MATTER WHAT<br />
<br />
In the last year and eight months, we have learned several life lessons. Let me tell you, life lessons aren't always fun; Sometimes, they REALLY stink! My kids have had to learn some life lessons that I wish they hadn't learned so soon in their lives. I've had my stomach in knots for months worrying about things that, when I stop and rationalize, are really completely out of my control...yet I worry!<br />
<br />
I guess saying that I've "learned" a lot through this journey is an overstatement. I've experienced a great deal and I hope that I have/will learned/learn from the things I've seen/experienced but I'm not sure that I've made the transfer of those lessons to practical application. I've experienced the deep dark valleys and the flat places...the mountain tops have been scarce of late but I still believe that there are some waiting for our family and for each of us as individuals.<br />
<br />
I have struggled and I continue to struggle...but these things I know, God is for me/us and He has a plan. I have NO CLUE what the plan is and I struggle every single day to trust that He knows best. Every day, I have to turn my doubt, worries and anxiety over to Him about 1,000 times. I'm not always successful and some days I feel defeated and forsaken but I'm learning again to pray believing that He will answer. I'm learning to trust and have faith that He hears my prayers and answers them in His time an in His sovereign ways. I will never understand why some of the things that have happened over the last year and eight months have happened to us. I have made the choice to believe that He knows best and has allowed all these things to refine each of us; preparing us for the path He has for us.<br />
<br />
There is a lyric from one of my all time favorite songs that says,<br />
God is too wise to be mistaken<br />
God is too good to be unkind<br />
So when you don't understand<br />
When you don't see His plan<br />
When you can't trace His hand<br />
Trust His Heart<br />
<br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica; font-size: 14px;" />
Help me, Heavenly Father, to trust Your heart!<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-81649328146308137062014-07-15T16:30:00.001-04:002016-04-27T10:48:05.873-04:00Got Trust?Phew! Father's Day came and went and it was just as emotional for me this year as last. I think my sadness was compounded by the fact that I had been sorting and filing old pictures....many of them of Dad. Me and Dad - Dad and each of my children as newborns - Dad and Mom - All 3 of us....the list goes on. It was a double-edged sword...the memories were so sweet and seeing him - his face, his smile - was so wonderful but on the other side...it was painful and brought sorrow and sadness and worst of all longing.<br />
<br />
Longing is the worst. I long for my Dad's presence - I long to catch the hint of his smell (Old Spice deodorant - he never wore cologne) - I long to feel his embrace, hear his laughter, his voice...there's so much about him that I long for...and it causes the tears to well up in my eyes and spill over before I even realize that they're there. Longing is a terrible feeling and what makes it worse is there will be no end to that longing in this first world. I think that I will always long for my Dad - it seems that the further away I get from November 21, 2012 the deeper the longing and the more overwhelming the missing of him becomes. There are STILL days when the tears come for no real reason...a song, a smell, a familiar moment and sometimes it's as dadgum commercial on TV! When I feel that longing it makes my brain feel foggy and scrambled...I feel unsettled and in disarray. In those moments, the doubts and questions return. "Why, Lord? Why now? Why at this time? What is Your plan? What were/are you thinking? How can good come from this? What am I supposed to do?" Yeah, the question and doubt are pretty endless in those moments and unfortunately, I have lots of those moments.<br />
<br />
It seems as though when one area of you life feels disheveled, other areas seem to feel that same way. I find myself feeling like things are falling apart or, as my 9 year old would say, it feels like everything is "jacked up"! I hate that feeling...the feeling that whatever can go wrong most definitely will. The feeling that everything you say and do is said and done the wrong way or taken the wrong way or in the wrong context. I then start to feel frantic...the frantic need to fix it all! I'm learning, however, that some things can't be fixed with a kind word or an "I'm sorry" - death can't be "fixed"...grief can't be "fixed". As a child, I can remember distinctly, moments of fearful tears worrying about my parents dying someday. I remember them finding me in a puddle on more than one occasion and asking me why I was crying. Upon telling them of my fear, they'd assure me that I didn't need to worry that that wasn't going to happen for a very long time. Guess what, it's been "a very long time". <br />
<br />
I continue to struggle with my Dad's death. I wonder what could have been done differently. I wonder why God has healed so many in the months since Dad's death but chose not to heal my Dad in this life. I continue to wonder why...I try not to but I do. I continue to struggle with my prayer life...I wish it weren't so but it is. My biggest struggle right now is trusting God. Trusting that He really does have a plan and that somehow, my Dad's death was part of that plan. I've been taught and reminded many times that God is NEVER caught off guard...that nothing is ever a surprise and of course I believe that's true. I trusted Him with something immensely precious to me...my earthly father's life and a year and a half later I find myself still struggling - not just with Dad's absence but with the reason for his absence. And so, the question remains...can I trust that this horrible part of my life is working for good? Do I believe that all this grief and longing, not just in my heart and life but in the hearts and lives of my children, will somehow bring God's plan for our lives to fruition; that He'll use this incredibly horrible loss (and all the other struggles that have seemed to follow) to work for our good? Got trust?<br />
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-41632521214121192222014-06-10T20:29:00.002-04:002014-06-10T20:29:38.846-04:00When you're afraid to pray..It has been a while since I've blogged. Lots of reasons...life being the biggest of reasons. I have found myself feeling emotional and overwhelmed...much like the first few months after Dad's death. I have also found it increasingly more difficult to pray...not because I don't know how to pray necessarily but because I'm afraid to pray. Now, I know what you're thinking (all 2 of you =0) "Afraid to pray?! What is wrong with her?! Is she crazy or something?!!" Well, while there are those who would argue that point, don't give up on me quite yet...<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In the months since Dad's death, I've noticed something...whatever I pray the opposite seems to happen. I prayed for Dad to be healed and to proclaim the glory of the Lord in the land of the living. I prayed this prayer vehemently...fervently! While healing did come, it was not the healing for which I prayed. In the last year and a half, I have prayed for my children...for their hearts to healed, for them to have some degree of success in whatever they endeavor to do - to feel a small sense of accomplishment to build a wee bit of confidence. Again, fervently I prayed...almost begging God for a glimmer of hope and healing for them and again, the opposite happened. It seems as though at every turn there has been something or someone to knock them down, degrade their confidence or further illuminate their pain and grief. So, I gave up...I quit praying and guess what...things improved for my children. So now perhaps you understand why I'm afraid to pray.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to pray. I want to know that when I pray, Christ hears my petition and answers my prayer but I don't feel that way. I want to...but I don't. It makes me feel so inadequate as a parent, wife, friend and Christian to have the inability to pray with confidence. I feel like a failure...a disappointment...not just to my children but to my faith, to my Dad who always prayed, to my mom who continues to pray, to my friends who pray, to strangers who pray...I'm a failure!!! Prayer is the language of faith and I'm a MUTE!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am a believer! I want an intimate relationship with Christ...like the one my earthly father had with Him. I know that intimacy with Christ comes through prayer and studying the word but the bulk of the relationship is built through communication with Christ. Regular, heartfelt, honest communication...something that I'm lacking at the moment.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When friends ask for prayer, I want to pray but I fear that my prayers will only hinder the work God wants to do. It's my concern that in my attempt to help through the venue of prayer I will somehow postpone the blessing, the healing, the positive outcome. Of course, I'm that person who feels that if you want a team to lose...just ask me to root for them! Their loss will be imminent - of that I am certain! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I can't adequately express how horrible it makes me feel to think I am incapable of praying for those I love. I'm reluctant to say to folks, "yes, I'll pray for you" because I have no faith or confidence in the power of my prayer. Therefore, I don't...I just tell them that I'm thinking of them. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One thing I do know, that even in the midst of my struggle, God sees and knows my heart. He understands my heartache, my grief and even my silence. This journey continues to be difficult...ups and downs...twists and turns but through all of that I do know that I know that my Heavenly Father loves me in spite of me...and for that I am so much more that grateful.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-51813974967194811572013-12-29T13:15:00.002-05:002014-07-30T12:48:28.747-04:00Tis the season to be STUCK!!!!Today marks one year, one month and 8 days since Dad crossed over from this temporary life to eternal life. Time has passed, but I don't find this journey to be any easier. As the months have gone by, I have missed him more...the further away I am from the last time I heard his voice, saw his smile, heard his laughter, felt that tight squeeze from a bear hug that only he could give I find myself feeling sad, forsaken, hurt, angry...STUCK! I'm stuck in my journey...more than a year later and I am still asking how could this have happened and why Lord, why??!!!<br />
<br />
This holiday season has been challenging...even more so than last year which was our first without Dad. I think we were in shock...still walking around in disbelief that the Heavenly Father had really allowed this profound grief and heartbreak to enter our lives. However, this year...it was real. Dad's absences was very very real and it was painful!<br />
<br />
Many of my friends have lost a parent and they appear to move through that grief with their faith intact. I'm finding that "keeping the faith" is not as easy as it seems. I see/hear about friends and acquaintances who are going through difficult times and as I observe them...watch them walk through the difficult time, it seems that their faith becomes stronger, deeper more profound. Not me! I have found it more difficult to trust, depend on and pray to my Heavenly Father. What does that say about me? It makes me question whether my faith was ever really "mine" or did I derive my faith in God from outside myself? Did I depend too much on Dad to be the prayer warrior...to believe for me instead of with me? One thing the Lord is showing me is that I did and still do depend on others in matters of faith. I have no confidence in my faith or the power of my prayers. After all, I prayed and believed that The Great Physician would restore my Dad - heal his fleshly body and look where that got me. I know that of the 2 or 3 folks that will read this, one or two of you will think I've become a full blown heathen...I promise, I haven't...I'm just a person of faith who is struggling through a "dark night of the soul". My head tells me that this too shall pass and I will be stronger and my faith will be deeper and will belong to me on the other side of this journey. I'm beginning to wonder though, if I'm going to make it to "other side" of this journey.<br />
<br />
In the last year, I've had to listen to my head a lot more than my heart. My head hears all the truths Dad taught me, all the scriptures he quoted and all the things of faith he shared with me and with countless others. Yep, my head hears it and knows it's true...ahhhh, but my heart...my heart is broken and still can't fathom life without Dad here in his earthly body. As I sit here typing my mind is saying over and over..."I can't believe he's gone! How could God do this to us?! This can't be true...I don't believe it!! Why would He do this?! It's not fair...not fair at all!!! Dad was strong and preaching and teaching better than ever! He still had so much more to give for you Lord! Why did you take him from us?!!! Why? WHY?! WHY?!!" Yep, that's where I am.<br />
<br />
A friend of mine has shared with me journals she kept during the first years after losing her Dad quite unexpectedly. I can't tell you how much reading her deepest thoughts has started to help me sort through my own. To see my thoughts written on paper by someone else...WOW! It's as if she is in my head and heart...it's as if I wrote the words I'm reading. There is something about knowing you're not crazy...you're not alone...you're not the only person who has thought and felt this way.<br />
<br />
I think that there is still a part of my heart that can't accept that Dad is gone from this earth. I think perhaps that's why he hasn't visited me. I have had only one dream about Dad since his death and in the dream he sat in a chair and observed. He didn't say or do anything...which if you knew my dad at all you would know how uncharacteristic this behavior is for him. That's the only "visit" I've had and I don't really consider it a visit because there was no interaction between us. My children and my mom have all had visits, dreams and experiences with Dad's presence. Perhaps my unwillingness to fully accept his death keeps him from coming to me. Perhaps my irritation/unrest...okay anger with God keeps Dad at bay. I don't know...I can't know. What I do know is that I long for an experience...I want to feel my Dad's presence...hear his voice, his laugh, hug his neck...even if it is only a dream.<br />
<br />
I can't tell you how my heart aches to think about the fact that my children have so many years ahead of them without my Dad's presence here on earth. I'm selfish and like spoiled brat I find myself shouting "I want my Daddy!!!" I want Darryl Ross back in his body on this earth healed and whole! My head knows that this is not to be...but I think somewhere in my heart I'm holding out hope. How weird is that?!!!<br />
<br />
When I blog it feels like I'm just rambling. I feel like I'm jumping from one thought to the next without any real purpose or fluidity. I've felt jumbled, befuddled and lost since Dad's death. My mind feels scattered and restless...I feel like I'm having an out of body experience that won't end! Little things set me off...anger is always right near the surface...anger and tears, they both lay just below the surface and spring up randomly sometimes for no good reason...BAM...there they are! Sometimes simultaneously and sometimes individually. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm completely out of sorts because I can't find the tape! The emotions ebb and flow everyday and when they flow...boy, oh boy...STAND CLEAR!!! It makes me crazy and I know my family is thinking "what in the world is her problem?" My daughter asked me the other day "Why are you always mad at me?" It took me aback..."I'm not always mad at you." I responded. She replied, "It seems like you are...like you're always mad." Oh my gosh!!! I don't want my kids' memories of me to be "Mom was always mad after Pop died" - I want them to have the same kind of fondness for me that I have for my Dad and my time with him while he was on this earth. My Dad had a knack for making the most of each day...each moment really. I wish I was more like that! Wish I had the ability to make every moment count for eternity the way he did.<br />
<br />
Since Dad's death, I've felt this need (for lack of a better word) to see/visit people I love and who have played important roles in my life along the way. I want to sit down with them and catch up face to face...hug their necks and tell them how much they've meant and continue to mean to me. How they've helped shape me into the person I am. More often than not...life gets in the way - between work and the kids' schedules and the schedules of those I'm wanting to see...well you get the idea. Making the rounds becomes almost impossible but I hope that 2014 will afford some opportunities for me to do just that...to see the important people...not just on Facebook or via email but to see them - hug a neck - laugh - cry - reminisce! I think being an only child made me treasure my friends more...made them an important part of my life than folks who had siblings. My friends became an extension of my family. I think that's why I've felt such a need to reach out to them (even in the smallest ways) during the journey. To touch again that time in my life and those people who knew Dad and knew me when Dad was alive. I don't know...weird, huh?! I guess comfort comes in odd ways during difficult times.<br />
<br />
I want make my Dad proud! I want to be the person God intends me to be...the person my parents raised me to be. I want to honor my earthly parents and my Heavenly Father with my life! I'm just not sure that I know how to do that now. I'm so glad that the Lord sees and knows my heart and won't give up on me...even if, for a minute, I may give up on myself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Psalm 130: 1-5</b><br />
<b>From the depths of despair, O Lord</b><br />
<b> I call for your help.</b><br />
<b>Hear my cry, O Lord.</b><br />
<b> Pay attention to my prayer.</b><br />
<b>LORD, if you kept a record of our sins,</b><br />
<b> Who, O Lord, could ever survive?</b><br />
<b>But you offer forgiveness,</b><br />
<b> that we might learn to fear you.</b><br />
<b>I AM COUNTING ON THE LORD;</b><br />
<b> YES, I AM COUNTING ON HIM</b><br />
<b> I HAVE PUT MY HOPE IN HIS WORD.</b><br />
<div class="poet1-vn" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px; margin-left: 15px; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-51793958300427530102013-08-24T10:38:00.001-04:002013-08-24T11:23:31.263-04:00Make the most of the "dash"!This has been an incredibly emotional week! On Sunday afternoon, I got a call that one of my colleagues and friends had fallen while at a friends house. I was then told that this young, vivacious 36 year old mother of 2 was on life support. Monday was a "looking down day" - no one made eye contact with others for fear that the tears would break through the dam. We received the tragically devastating news that our friend and colleague had been called home to spend eternity with Jesus. It took my breath away!!! That feeling of "this can't be happening" hit me all over again...that same feeling I had when we were told my precious Dad would not survive.<br />
<br />
Since losing Dad, I have been consumed with my own grief and the ensuing journey through that grief but this tragedy has jolted me. All I can think about are those 2 precious boys (10 and 7). I know how difficult the loss of my Dad has been for me as an adult...I cannot even begin to fathom the depth of grief that these 2 sweet toe-haired boys will walk through. I was lucky enough to spend 46 years with my Dad and he was blessed with 73 wonderful, productive years. And still the absence of him in the physical body is almost unbearable at times. I think about the fact that this boys will have a much longer grief journey than I...they will grieve the loss of their mommy as children and then as they become adults the grief will take on a different dimension. My heart breaks for them because I know a little bit about the kind of grief they will experience.<br />
<br />
As I have read and listened to people talk/write about Jennifer, I can't help but to begin to reflect on my life an how I'm living it. Jennifer's "dash" has been full of adventure and joy. She always flashed that dimpled smile to everyone she met. She was perky and friendly and full of life...which makes her tragic untimely death all the more difficult to wrap my mind around. As I listen to people speak lovingly about her, two things come to mind: 1) Why do we wait until people are gone or ill to tell them how much they've touched our lives? 2) How will my life be remembered by those whose paths have crossed mine?<br />
<br />
I hope that in my 46 years and the years I have to come...that I've made (will make) an impact (however small) on someone's life (just one life). I pray that people see me as a person of integrity, with a deep abiding love for my family and friends and a spirit of joy. I realize we can't be "happy, happy, happy" all the time but I do hope that I don't have the reputation as a "Debbie Downer" or a "Negative Nelly". I'm the first to admit that there are times in my life when I've been less than pleasant. It's my desire, going forward, to be certain that I'm making the most of "the dash". Seizing the days and making them count! Loving my family and friends and bringing hope and joy to those I encounter. My Dad and Jennifer had quite a lot in common. They both lived life to the fullest and touched more lives than they or I will ever really know.<br />
<br />
Heavenly Father, be glorified in my life. Make me an instrument of your love, joy and peace. Help me to carry out the legacy of my Dad with the same mercy, grace and generosity that he demonstrated. Provide opportunities for me to minister to Jennifer's boys. I ask you to reignite in me the fire of your Spirit...draw me near to You.<br />
Lord, tell Jennifer that we will all watch over her sweet family and help them in any way that we can. Tell her she is missed and held dear by all who knew her. Heavenly Father, give my Dad a big ol squeeze and tell him I love him so very much. I thank You for Your mercies in disguise, Your grace sufficient and blessings in the midst of grief. Hold us all close to You as we walk this earthly journey and help us all to make the most of the "dash".<br />
In Jesus' name, Amen<br />
<br />
<a href="http://obits.dignitymemorial.com/dignity-memorial/obituary.aspx?n=Jennifer-Niday&lc=4546&pid=166534649&mid=5639909#.UhjAgDbi1bt.blogger">Dignity Memorial - Jennifer Niday Obituary: View Obituary for Jennifer Niday by Eternal Hills Funeral Home and Cremation, Snellville, GA</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/the-dash-poem/#.UhjFOjvrIco.blogger">The Dash Movie</a>Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-62819707375621756802013-08-10T16:38:00.001-04:002013-08-21T14:37:46.077-04:00This time last year...Made it through the first "week" of school. It's always soooo tiring - getting used to rising at crack o'clock every day of the week. I'm grateful to have a job but boy, do I wish they'd pay me to stay home. I have a new teaching position this year. I am the Title 1 math teacher for K-2 so it's a school year of "firsts" to accompany my life year of firsts without Dad. Yep, it always comes back to that...<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This time last year my folks had been given the news that Dad had prostate cancer and they were waiting to tell me knowing that the start of a new school year brought its own kind of stress to my life. I had gotten off to a late start with not being at pre-planning due to our trip to the USSSA 12U Fastpitch World Series. That in and of itself had me all befuddled to a certain degree...it also produced a feeling of uneasiness...an unsettled feeling. This time last year, I was calling in to report how fall ball was going - Garrett was playing rec ball and Sara Beth was still with the GA Jinx 12U team. I was blissfully ignorant. This time last year, my Dad was mowing grass, planting and tending to his flowers, running errands, reading books, preparing and preaching sermons...LIVING LIFE. There was no outwardly visible sign to tell the world that this man had cancer. He was strong and full of life and laughter. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. This time last year, I could NEVER have imagined that he'd be in Heaven...gone from us in the physical body. This time last year, I didn't have this ache in my soul...this "fussy" unsettled feeling. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
On my worst days, I'm angry and giving God the cold shoulder...wondering what we ever did to deserve the pain of this journey. On my best days, I remember my Dad's laughing eyes, his wise counsel and the love he had for all he knew and I still believe that there's a plan...that God's not finished and if I will wait on Him the plan will be fulfilled. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When Dad was first diagnosed, a dear friend told me that God wasn't taken by surprise by any of the news that had literally brought our world to a screeching halt. He had seen the beginning to the end and His Word was true. He's incapable of lying. Even after Dad died, she repeated those words to me many times. And now, on my VERY best days...I'm starting to believe again that that's true.</div>
Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-55437360888016311442013-08-03T13:22:00.001-04:002013-12-29T14:33:43.935-05:00Letting go of the way we were...It has been a little over 8 months since we lost my Dad. Eight months into this journey and I find myself, on most days, still not quite willing to believe that he is gone. I long for the way we were...the way we were before his death. I long for "normal"...the "old normal". I'm finding it difficult to cultivate my "new normal". There are days when I think, "hey, I'm think I'm/we're gonna be okay" and then WHAM!! That empty feeling engulfs me, that sinking feeling in my gut returns and I feel like it's day 1 again.<br />
<br />
This time last year, I was calling my folks to give updates on our USSSA 12U World Series experience. We were in Orlando with our daughter's travel ball team having a great time with friends and watching softball. I was missing pre-planning which was weird for me...I've NEVER missed pre-planning but I figured it wouldn't be too difficult to "catch up" that first week of school. However, not being at school and starting back the same day as the kids...it just felt weird...not at all normal. From day 1 of the 2012-2013 school year, I felt off kilter - not quite right - out of sorts. Little did I know at the time that this feeling was a foreshadowing of things to come. I was getting ready to receive a curve ball that would change the course of my life. In September, my Dad shared the news with me that he'd been diagnosed with prostate cancer and had been given a Gleeson score of 8 (which in most cases indicates that the chance the cancer has spread is greater). To say the least, I was floored! After hanging up the phone, I got in my van and drove and yelled/screamed at God. "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, LORD? MY DAD HAS LOVED AND SERVED YOU FAITHFULLY! IS THIS HOW YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE TO YOUR FAITHFUL SERVANTS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!" I was angry, confused and very scared!<br />
<br />
Typically, I talked to my parents several times a day, but after that September afternoon, without realizing it I had stopped talking to them as frequently. I was afraid I'd say something that would "mess up" Dad's healing or speak negativity and I didn't want to do that. After a lengthy and tearful conversation with my Dad, I went back to the normal communication routine but something was different in me. I felt a shift from being fearful to being faithful. I found every scripture I could related to healing, faith, trust and blessings and posted them everywhere so that I could speak healing over my Dad and speak faith words all the time. And then, the unthinkable happened and my world came crashing down. My Dad died in spite of trusting and believing and I was left in a mournful heap ashes. Where was I supposed to go from here...what was I supposed to do or believe now?<br />
<br />
I still struggle everyday with why and how this happened. I also ask myself if perhaps my prayers weren't right or my faith wasn't deep enough or I didn't trust enough. I think, perhaps I'll always have those questions but as I move along this journey, I'm beginning to understand that letting go of the way we were doesn't mean forgetting...nope, it means letting go of the "old normal" to make room for the "new normal". I'm not forgetting my Dad or his love for me or the fun we had together. I could NEVER forget - it is embedded in my heart for all time. No, I think letting go is just the opposite because by striving to carve out my "new normal" I'm honoring his life and legacy. I think in letting go we are better able to hang on (sounds crazy, right?)...hang on to our past without allowing it to press us down. Letting go provides renewed strength to help us hang on to our present so that I/we can live in the moment. I know that Dad would want me to move forward in faith - "letting go of what is past and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Phil 3:12-14 paraphrased). I think the word "straining" describes perfectly where I am right now. I'm straining to get through this- to get where the Lord wants me so that I can be who the Lord wants me to be. It will continue to be a "strain" for me to move through the rest of my days on earth without my Dad's physical presence. He was a HUGE part of my life and the lives of my children and the void in my heart, I think, will remain until I see him again in Heaven. I know that there are still many difficult days ahead and as we get closer to the anniversary of his death...well, I'm already dreading that and wondering what that day will look and feel like.<br />
<br />
I miss my Daddy every single day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him several times throughout the day. People tell me that gradually, that will change...but I don't want that to change. I want to hold him close in my thoughts and in my heart...ALWAYS. I wish that I could talk to him...wrap my arms around his chest and squeeze him tight (I'm too short to put my arms around his neck) - he did give the best hugs. I wish I could see that warm, friendly smile in the flesh or hear that boisterous infectious guffaw of his just once more in person.<br />
<br />
My sweet friend, Lisa Johnson, shared this song with me. If my Dad had been a songwriter...I think he'd have written this for me for such a time as this. I've only been able to listen to it a couple of times but it's a haunting melody with a beautiful message of hope.<br />
<br />
Dad I'll see you someday " away down the river" but until then...I LOVE YA ALL THE WAY TO HEAVEN...FOR ALWAYS!!!<br />
<br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_1" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">Baby, dry your eyes</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_2" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">There's no need to cry</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_3" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">‘Cause I'll see you again</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_4" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">It might be a while before you understand</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_5" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'm just away down the river</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_6" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">A hundred miles or more</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_7" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">Crossing over Jordan</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_8" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">To the other shore</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_9" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'll be standing waiting</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_10" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">With all who've gone before</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_11" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'm just away down the river</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_12" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">A hundred miles or more</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_13" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">Now the pictures on the wall</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_14" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">Will help you to recall</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_15" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">They're not there to make you sad</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_16" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">But to remember all the good times we had</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_17" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'm just away down the river</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_18" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">A hundred miles or more</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_19" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">Crossing over Jordan</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_21" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">To the other shore</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_22" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'll be standing waiting</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_23" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">With all who've gone before</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_24" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'm just away down the river</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_25" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">A hundred miles or more</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_26" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">When it's time to leave</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_27" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">You're gonna feel the mountain breeze</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_28" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">And the snow will fill the stream</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_29" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">And carry you to me</span><br />
<span class="line line-s" id="line_30" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'm just away down the river</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_31" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">A hundred miles or more</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_32" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">Crossing over Jordan</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">To the other shore</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br />
</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'll be standing waiting</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">With all who've gone before</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'm just away down the river</span><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;">A hundred miles or more.</span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-58403844274084378662013-07-13T14:12:00.001-04:002013-07-15T09:08:02.073-04:00The darkness of why, trust and finishing the good work in meMy mom heard a sermon on Easter Sunday about "walking around in the darkness of why" ... and as we talked about that message, we related to walking in that darkness. Why did Dad get cancer? Why did a surgery that was presented in such a hopeful manner somehow go terribly wrong? Why didn't the Lord heal Dad in his physical body? Why did He allow Dad's death to pass through His hands? Why did the Lord see fit to set us on this journey? See what I mean? The darkness of why can consume us and sometimes it does just that. It shuts out all hope and light. When I constantly ask why, my thoughts become muddled by doubt, fear, uncertainty and faithlessness. It becomes a matter of will...my will versus God's will. Is it God's will for me to walk around in the darkness of why? No, it's not His will...He wants me to trust Him...to trust His heart even in those moments when I am unable to find His hand. He wants me to forge through my grief to my faith and not continue to rely on the faith of my father. If my will were done, my Dad would be here...alive and well and playing with his grandchildren. If my will were done...I wouldn't be on this journey. It's a journey of letting go while still hanging on. Letting go of "why" while hanging on to faith. It's a difficult place to be; a crossroads of sorts. I'm navigating through uncharted territory (uncharted for me anyway). <br />
<br />
I find myself unable to talk with God right now...if and when I pray all I can muster is "Thank you, Lord for another day." I'm so glad that He sees beyond my grief and knows that it's a process. There are days that I don't talk to God at all but I know that He's right there waiting for me. He isn't rushing me through the journey. And while I know He desires a close relationship with me and I with Him, He is willing to wait for me...for my heart to catch up. He isn't dragging me through it kicking and screaming (although there has been, and probably will be more, kicking and screaming along the way). He's guiding me, even when I don't see it or feel it or even think I want it. He's placing people along my path - behind, beside and even in front to help me heal.<br />
<br />
This I know and choose to believe, even when my flesh is not sure...I choose to believe in my soul and have confidence that The One who began a good work in me will be faithful to see it through until Christ returns. (Phil 1:6 paraphrased)<br />
<br />
Many years ago, I sang this song and loved it; it spoke to my spirit. While Dad was in the hospital a dear long-time friend shared it with me again and one of the pastors who eulogized Dad unknowingly used paraphrased lyrics during the service. I share it here because it speaks to my spirit in a very different way now than the first time I sang/heard it...I hope it speaks to you, too.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/WnetYx_9450" width="459"></iframe>Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-79208412573939576032013-07-12T12:28:00.000-04:002013-07-12T12:37:33.198-04:00Faith and LossHow do we reconcile our faith with profound loss? How do we make sense out of something that doesn't make sense? It seems that I'm spinning my wheels trying to find some sense in the midst of this great loss. In a sense, I guess I'm trying to figure God out...trying to catch a glimpse of His plan but it's impossible for me to see right now. I sit here, in the middle of my grief, piling up my ashes around me thinking that somehow that will help. I'm wrestling with God...wrestling with "the plan", working my brain into a frenzy trying to figure out what's going on - what I'm supposed to do with all this emotion. Today, in this moment...I must confess that I haven't got a clue...not one inkling of an idea about the what, where and how of it all.<br />
<br />
I know that my Dad is in Heaven. On the one hand, I'm fully aware of his absence from his physical body but on the other hand I find it unfathomable that he is gone. I keep thinking that somehow this has been a terrible mistake...that it was the wrong body in that ICU bed...that at any moment I'll pick up the phone and he'll be on the other end. My mind knows he is gone from this world but my heart is having a most difficult time catching up. I've heard it said that the heart wants what the heart wants...my heart wants my Dad, here and healthy. I know, I know, it's selfish of me. My profound loss is Heaven's profound gain...my tragedy is Heaven's rejoicing. I don't mean to say that Heaven rejoices in my sorrow but that the loss which causes my great sorrow caused great rejoicing in Heaven. I know that I know that I know that my Dad heard those wonderful words of welcome from the Heavenly Father, Well done, good and faithful servant...welcome home!"<br />
<br />
How do I reconcile my faith with my loss... TRUST! In the middle of the dark night of the soul...I will choose to trust Him. Sometimes, I feel like I'm starting from scratch and more often than not I need to strip away all the trappings of religion and denomination and get back to basics...get back to the heart of the matter. I'm not there yet but I have the desire to get there...to learn to trust the Lord again...or maybe to trust Him fully for the first time. I'm so glad that I serve a Saviour who is acquainted with my grief and understands my human-ness. Who suffered in human flesh so that He could identify with my human flesh. The Heavenly Father can absorb a lot and I'm grateful for that fact. Right now, I seem to be somewhere between faith and my loss. There's an old pop song that comes to mind when I think of where I am in my relationship with my Saviour. It's a song sung by The Four Seasons called "Working my Way Back to You" and the lyric that came to me just now was "I'll keep working my way back to you, babe, with a burning love inside..." I just changed "babe" to "Lord". <br />
<br />
So, that's what I'll keep doing...working my way back to you Lord with a burning love inside.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="width: 100%px;">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td valign="top"><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="width: 100%px;">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td class="btext" colspan="2" height="20"> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-27986666637002380622013-07-11T22:33:00.001-04:002013-07-11T23:13:29.266-04:00Where Do I Go From Here?<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
On November 21, 2012 life as I had known it came to a screeching halt. It was the day before Thanksgiving when Dad got his promotion from this first world into eternity. It was the worst day of my life and the beginning of the most difficult journey I have ever had to walk. </div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
In some ways, I feel abandoned by God, as if He somehow slighted me. So many whys swirling around in my mind…so many unanswered questions. Questions that I know, logically, will never be answered in this life but that doesn’t make me want the answers any less. I ask myself why God heals some in this world and chooses not to heal others here on this earth. Is one life worth more to Him here and others worth more to Him in Glory? Do our prayers really move God? If He has already seen the beginning to the end…is there any altering that plan? Is it possible to pray “Thy will be done” and really mean it…I mean afterall, we are flesh and our human nature wants what we want…right? I wanted my Dad to be healed; restored to perfect health here in this life. I love him and need him…I want him here. Why didn’t he receive the healing that we prayed and believed for – healing that we trusted God to bring to fruition? I know that God could have, at any moment, raised my Dad up and brought him perfect health so that he could have continued to preach and teach the Word of God. But no healing came and I stood by the bed of my wonderful, precious earthly father as he passed from this world into eternity. Those gathered with us in those moments raised our voices in praise to the Heavenly Father that we had believed would heal this faithful servant…but no miracle came…no Lazarus moment. Where was our miracle? </div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
On the bad days…I cry and I have a knot in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away. I feel this overwhelming desire to “fix it” knowing that it can’t be fixed…EVER. Today, right now, I feel as though this hole in my soul will remain with me until I see my Dad’s sweet million dollar smile again. On these days, which happen more often than not, I feel as though there is no laughter left…but I know this isn’t the way Dad lived and he wouldn’t want this for me. I know that his legacy is one of faith and hope…the hope of Glory in Christ Jesus. </div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
On good days, I know that we did, in fact, receive a miracle…the miracle of my Dad’s eternal life; a life that he now lives out in the presence of the Lord that he served so faithfully for so many years. I know that he is well and happy and free. I no longer have to worry about his health and well-being because he is in perfect health. I’m sure that if they play sports in Heaven, my Dad has already got a team together in at least 2 (basketball and football). On good days, I can see God’s mercy in my Dad’s situation and the love He has for my Daddy and I can see, through tears, the love the Heavenly Father has for me through the people He allows to cross my path…those folks to help me and hold me up during this journey.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
So, I get up every day and try to be the best wife and mother that I can be in the moment and hope that my children love me as much I as love my Dad. I say love rather than loved because I still love him…he isn’t here with me but my love, I believe, reaches all the way to Heaven and I know that my Dad continues to feel the love of his family and friends. </div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
This may seem like rambling…and it may be…but I figure I have to start somewhere and this is point A for me. I hope that whatever journey you are on, that you aren’t traveling alone. I hope that you have people surrounding you, as I do, who are willing to let you walk the journey at your pace all the while holding your hand.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
My journey through grief is really just beginning…I hope that somehow sharing my thoughts along the way not only help bring healing to my heart and soul but help others in whatever part of the journey they are in. It is my desire to live the kind of godly life that my Dad lived. He didn’t just tell me to live a godly life…he lived one and let me watch and I am forever grateful that I had the privilege to be Darryl’s daughter.</div>
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
I miss you, Dad…every minute!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hFQZX-Vx-zY/Ud90P-X8QgI/AAAAAAAAAIU/KfvaqbAu4EM/s1600/5960_111547673980_2666041_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" nya="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hFQZX-Vx-zY/Ud90P-X8QgI/AAAAAAAAAIU/KfvaqbAu4EM/s320/5960_111547673980_2666041_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-17222141826869327042009-04-28T09:30:00.007-04:002009-04-29T13:59:58.651-04:00DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID!!!!!I'm going to take this opportunity to vent...I really cannot believe that educated, Americans think that any form of socialism is good and will work to make things better! I don't want the government to tell me which doctors I have to see or take my children to see! I don't want to pay for abortions here and abroad! I don't to pay for privileges for folks who are here illegally! I DO NOT believe that the Constitution of the United States is an "out-dated" document and needs revision or, worse yet needs to be nullified!!! Seriously?! What planet is Pelosi REALLY from...Is this really what all these"supporters of change" want? Do we really want the government to be able to tell all of us where, how, when and for what we can spend our money, time and energy?! NO!! Do we really want our leaders to bankrupt the coal industry? An industry, that for many is the only work they have in their region! My grandfather was a coal miner - that's how he provided for his family, how he kept them off welfare and what helped him continue to contribute to the up keep of his home and family after he was paralyzed in a coal car accident. What will "the administration" do to replace the jobs of all those miners if the "cap and trade" goes through? Have they really thought about that...American communities that are already living in or near poverty (yes, we have those communities right here in the good ol USA) will be driven further into the "hole". Wow, now that's what I call CHANGE!!!!<br /><br />It's so funny to me that when "the left" protests or believes something is wrong they're held up as progressive thinkers and proponents of change but when "the right" does the same, it's called a "gathering of a bunch of nuts and kooks" - "the left" wants the world to show tolerance for their causes and beliefs, yet they don't afford that same luxury to anyone else. Hmmmm, HELLO "POT"!!!!<br /><br />Now, I ask you...if I go to France, do I have the option to "press 2 to hear directions in English"? NO I DO NOT! In Mexico, do have the option of having the grocery aisle labeled in Spanish on one side and in English on the other....NO I DO NOT! If I visit these countries, I'm expected to either know their language or get by as best I can. If I'm in a country other than America that has a large English speaking population, do I see the weather alerts flash in 2 languages? Again, the answer is NOPE! I live in America - I shouldn't have to "press 1 to hear directions in English" and the French shouldn't have to "press 1" in France and the Mexican shouldn't have to "press 1" in Mexico... If I'm going to move to France, then I should make it a point to learn their language before I get there (at least well enough to communicate effectively).<br /><br />We have our first multi-racial president...great, wonderful - it's progress! Now, let's support him and his party as they take us to the trash heap, throw us under the bus, rob us of our "American-ness" - This is NOT the kind of change I want and I'd reeeeeally like to believe that even those who stand to the left of the aisle don't want that either. If socialism and communism work so well, then why are there sooooo many emigrants from those countries flocking to America. If they thought that this form of government was good and worked to help all citizens...then why are they HERE, in America...the "land of opportunity"? Has anyone "on the hill" asked themselves that question?<br /><br />I read a remark made by a friend of mine from college and was taken aback by what she said. She remarked how she "hated everything G.W. stood for and was..." Okay, this is a person who professes to be a Christian-and her words bother me a great deal. G.W. is a Christian as well, this is something he "was"-family and Christian values something he stood for - he sought God's wisdom and guidance through prayer something else he stood for...so am I to believe that she "hated" those things - "EVERYTHING" encompasses a whole bunch a business! Do I agree with every decision that those in leadership make...no, was he perfect, no -NO PRESIDENT IS NOW OR EVER WILL BE PERFECT! I admire G.W. because he wasn't in any way ashamed of his faith...can as much be said for our current leader?<br /><br />We are definitely on the brink of change - at a crossroad so to speak...but is it a change for the better or one that is going to turn us into an international laughing stock? I was listening to the National Anthem being played at a recent sporting event...and as I listened, I got teary-eyed (which I usually do) but this time it wasn't for the same reasons that I normally do - this time it was because I wondered how much longer we'd be able to hear that song played as our anthem...will that be yet another "change"?<br /><br />I am proud to be an American and I'm grateful for the freedoms that are afforded to us as LEGAL Americans. I'm proud that anyone who wants to build a better life can legally enter this country and do so.<br /><br />I did not vote for our current president, but he is the president and I need to pray for him. Pray for God's wisdom and guidance...even if he himself doesn't seek it. As a nation that, contrary to popular belief, was and is founded on Godly principles, we need to be on our knees before our Lord, praying and fasting for our country and its direction and leadership. I believe EVERYONE regardless of race, creed, religion, politics, etc. should have the opportunity to live in freedom and pursue happiness in the way that they see fit as long as those methods are within the law and don't infringe on the rights and liberties of others.<br /><br />Our current leader is NOT the "saviour" of the world...he is fallible flesh and blood, imperfect just like the rest of the human race. He puts his pants on the same way the rest of us do. I only know of ONE Saviour of the world...and His name is JESUS and no matter what happens...HE is still in control of spinning the "big blue ball" - and for that I am thankful!!!Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-40962552717085342482009-03-16T13:57:00.014-04:002009-03-25T08:39:59.823-04:00The Long GoodbyeMy sweet husband got the call last night from his mother. His grandmother is not doing well and has been given very little chance of recovery. She is 88 years old - a wonderful soul! A true "southern lady" - she was always so gracious to me, even before I became a "granddaughter in law". She is a retired nurse and before she was diagnosed with Alzhiemers Disease, she took care of anyone and everyone who was sick. That was her gift. She could make the grumpiest patient feel better. She cared for Granddaddy Freeman (whom I never had the pleasure of knowing) while he battled cancer and then later in life cared for her second husband who also had cancer. She is a strong, independent woman, so my mother in law comes by her strength and independence quite honestly. I know that it has been difficult for her to watch "MaMa" deteriorate over the last several years. Unfortunately, none of us "kids" have been in close enough proximity to provide any type of physical help in the care of MaMa these last few years. It is true, what they say about Alzhiemers - it really is the "long goodbye." The grandmother that we all know has been gone now for a while - but her earthly vessel is here and somehow that has brought comfort...just knowing she is still here.<br /><br />My husband and his 2 sisters have so many wonderful memories of spending summers at her house. I've heard so many stories, and each one brings a smile to the one telling the tale and those of us listening. She loved the outdoors, loved to garden and work in her yard. She could make a paper clip grow...her yard was a showplace - the colors and the smells-WOW, you just can't imagine. Green thumb is an understatement! She didn't care to much for squirrels though...they were all kinda "skeert" of her and rightly so.<br /><br /><br />And now, we wait for the call that will inevitably come. Waiting is a difficult thing and as we wait, I realize that she's been waiting a long, long time to be reunited with Granddaddy F, her son R and her parents. Heaven is before her -in all it's splendor...the place that Jesus has prepared for her awaits her arrival - a place where she'll be whole and able to think clearly. A place where loved ones wait for her and a place where we will see her again someday. Her loss will be felt deeply by all of us who know and love her, but we are comforted to know that she will be with Jesus, whom she has loved and served so diligently for so many wonderful years.<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_QhRBoc9YPfs/Sb6oVpRXJmI/AAAAAAAAAHg/hsRe9d6Ytfo/s1600-h/2005-06-30+Mama+Deloach+%26+Great+Grandkids+011.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5313869700153157218" style="WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_QhRBoc9YPfs/Sb6oVpRXJmI/AAAAAAAAAHg/hsRe9d6Ytfo/s400/2005-06-30+Mama+Deloach+%26+Great+Grandkids+011.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Kirstyn, Sara Beth, Garrett in MaMa's lap, Connor, Cole -July 2005<br /><br />"I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me<br /><br />I can only imagine<br />What it will be like<br />When I walk<br />By your side<br /><br />I can only imagine<br />What my eyes will see<br />When your face<br />Is before me<br />I can only imagine<br /><br />I can only imagine<br /><br /><br />[Chorus:]<br />Surrounded by Your glory,<br />what will my heart feel<br />Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still<br />Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall<br />Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all<br />I can only imagine<br /><br />I can only imagine<br /><br />I can only imagine<br />When that day comes<br />And I find myself<br />Standing in the Son<br /><br />I can only imagine<br />When all I will do<br />Is forever<br />Forever worship You<br />I can only imagine<br /><br />I can only imagine<br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_QhRBoc9YPfs/Sb6oEa9lChI/AAAAAAAAAHY/TvCl2eCLqfQ/s1600-h/2005-06-30+Mama+Deloach+%26+Great+Grandkids+011.jpg"></a>Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-50356655399817133872009-02-09T08:57:00.004-05:002009-02-09T09:34:01.062-05:00If I could save time in a bottle...Over the weekend, SB and her Daddy went to their first Father/Daughter Dance. They had a wonderful time together...dinner and dancing and a very precious moment on the dance floor. The DJ played the song "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman as a slow dance. While she danced with her daddy, SB began to cry. My husband asked her why she was crying and she said, "I love you, Daddy. Thank you for bringing me to the dance. It's special to me." Oh, did I mention you might need a kleenex - sorry. She is so sweet and able to express her emotions and how she feels about the people she cares about in a way that I still am unable to accomplish. I look at the young lady she is becoming and I'm sooooo full of pride but at the same time so very sad that my "little girl" is changing into a "little lady" followed all to quickly by the "young woman". All to soon, she's gone from being this little "peanut" to this wonderful, talented, beautiful 8 year old and I find myself being a little sad that the "season" is changing. I pray that she has wonderful memories and that she'll remember them when she is a teen and hating me because I won't let her ride in a car with a bunch of her friends or let her stay out past 10:00 p.m. I hope that she'll still want me to lay with her at night - recapping the day's events of just snuggling up together. Oh, "if I could save time in a bottle..." <br />I love you sweet daughter of mine!Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-61168968325115498522008-12-15T12:45:00.004-05:002008-12-15T14:08:09.297-05:00It's the MOST WUNNERFUL TIME ...It never fails...every year around the holidays I get a horrible head cold complete with hacking cough. It also seems to coincide with my opportunities to sing! It never fails that if I have to sing at any point during the holiday season (especially if it's solo) I am inevitably stricken with the "snotcoffsalotitus" and it lasts through the new year!! This is especially nerve-racking since the ol grey mare ain't what she used to be in the vocal sense of the word (well, or any other sense of the word for that matter). It just makes me a nervous wreck!!! All that to say, yes - I'm stricken and the Chancel Choir's performance of the Messiah is fastly approaching!!! This Sunday to be exact and I am hackin-snortin-sneezin-wheezin up a storm - which isn't conducive to a good nights sleep! I have 2 solos - soooo the hackin is a definite MINUS!!! <br /><br />I also continue to struggle with my weight. This struggle has been made even more difficult by the depo shot I took in September. Had a known that the side effects were and increase in every single icky thing in the human body that I have tried to pluck, shave, lose, squeeze...well, you get the picture, I totally would have opted for something different! Sheesh, glad it's only a one timer for me...I'd have to commit harey carey (isn't that the saying) if this were to continue just right on. So, any how way, this "shot" has not made my battle with the buldge any easier - not that it was easy to begin with...I'm not incredibly blessed these days with an abundance of will power and any I had...GONE! I do try to tell myself that this to shall pass...literally, it'll pass right through the ol bodily system in 3 to 6 months. Perhaps then, I can get my mind set and hormonal balance in the right place. A very old friend of mine, with whom I have recently become reaquainted, told me that she had been through some really horrible physical ailments in recent years and that it caused her to really appreciate her body...fat or skinny. She says she's done worrying about how her body looks. I could probably do that...with a whole lot of work...but my thing is, I wanna have energy to do stuff - play with my kids, exercise...do anything - just be a more "fit" person. We watch a Veggie Tales video that deals with temptation - what makes it even more appropriate for our family is...the hero (Larry-Boy) is being tempted by none other than CHOCOLATE! One thing that the asparagus says (holy moly - I'm gaining spiritual insights from veggies...) anyway, he says " you can't be the super hero God intended you to be if you eat too much chocolate!" Basically, if you are constantly giving into your flesh...you can't be who God intends for you to be. OUCH!!!! So, what I realize is that my weight and giving into my food temptations is keeping me from being who/what God wants! And me, I'm so silly - I just keep letting the boogie man keep me in "the pit of despair - don't even think about trying to escape.." (oh, sorry - just had a "Princess Bride" moment - 'cuse). I want to be outta this pit - I want to be and do all that God wants me to be and do all He has planned for me to do. I know I've said it before but I'm saying it again - my weight is not just a physical issue- it's a spiritual issue and until I "let go and let God" well, you know. <br /><br />So all of that said - I know how <strong>incredibly blessed</strong> I am with a wonderful family - beautiful, healthy children, a job, a hubby with a job, a home, food on the table, a warm bed, the love of my sweet family and friends...I mean WOW - how blessed I am - so this Christmas I'm going to try to focus on how blessed I am and how much God has done and try not to focus on my human flaws and the weakness of my flesh or how big that flesh is =0). I will focus on the awesome gift of God's love through His Son, Jesus who came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. <br /><br />Merry Christmas friends!!!Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4812412135985054855.post-23807560732227727982008-11-10T11:48:00.002-05:002008-11-10T11:56:28.738-05:00"Ghost Whisperer" gone wrong!Oh - muh - gahshhhhhhhhhhh I cannot believe that "Jim" - "Melinda" sweet hubby got "killed off" on "Ghost Whisperer"!!! Whassup wit dat? Now the whole dynamic of the show is going to change...with Jay Mohr gone and now David Conrad...aghhhhhh - what's going on...and just when they were trying to make a little "ghost whisperer/paramedic" -<br /><br />Of course they can always pull a Dallas "Pam dreams a whole season" and make him not really dead...oooo, or better yet - let him father their child from "the beyond" (insert creepy music sounds here).<br /><br />Oh well, I guess we'll have to see if he crosses over into the light or remains earth-bound to be near "Melinda" - can't wait til this Friday!!!!Mezzo Fortehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15024295131467375102noreply@blogger.com2