This time last year...

Made it through the first "week" of school.  It's always soooo tiring - getting used to rising at crack o'clock every day of the week. I'm grateful to have a job but boy, do I wish they'd pay me to stay home.  I have a new teaching position this year.  I am the Title 1 math teacher for K-2 so it's a school year of "firsts" to accompany my life year of firsts without Dad.  Yep, it always comes back to that...

This time last year my folks had been given the news that Dad had prostate cancer and they were waiting to tell me knowing that the start of a new school year brought its own kind of stress to my life.  I had gotten off to a late start with not being at pre-planning due to our trip to the USSSA 12U Fastpitch World Series.  That in and of itself had me all befuddled to a certain degree...it also produced a feeling of uneasiness...an unsettled feeling.  This time last year, I was calling in to report how fall ball was going - Garrett was playing rec ball and Sara Beth was still with the GA Jinx 12U team.  I was blissfully ignorant.  This time last year, my Dad was mowing grass, planting and tending to his flowers, running errands, reading books, preparing and preaching sermons...LIVING LIFE.  There was no outwardly visible sign to tell the world that this man had cancer.  He was strong and full of life and laughter. 

Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye.  This time last year, I could NEVER have imagined that he'd be in Heaven...gone from us in the physical body.  This time last year, I didn't have this ache in my soul...this "fussy" unsettled feeling.  

On my worst days, I'm angry and giving God the cold shoulder...wondering what we ever did to deserve the pain of this journey.  On my best days, I remember my Dad's laughing eyes, his wise counsel and the love he had for all he knew and I still believe that there's a plan...that God's not finished and if I will wait on Him the plan will be fulfilled.  

When Dad was first diagnosed, a dear friend told me that God wasn't taken by surprise by any of the news that had literally brought our world to a screeching halt.  He had seen the beginning to the end and His Word was true.  He's incapable of lying. Even after Dad died, she repeated those words to me many times.  And now, on my VERY best days...I'm starting to believe again that that's true.

Letting go of the way we were...

It has been a little over 8 months since we lost my Dad.  Eight months into this journey and I find myself, on most days, still not quite willing to believe that he is gone.  I long for the way we were...the way we were before his death.  I long for "normal"...the "old normal".  I'm finding it difficult to cultivate my "new normal".  There are days when I think, "hey, I'm think I'm/we're gonna be okay" and then WHAM!! That empty feeling engulfs me, that sinking feeling in my gut returns and I feel like it's day 1 again.

This time last year, I was calling my folks to give updates on our USSSA 12U World Series experience.  We were in Orlando with our daughter's travel ball team having a great time with friends and watching softball.  I was missing pre-planning which was weird for me...I've NEVER missed pre-planning but I figured it wouldn't be too difficult to "catch up" that first week of school. However, not being at school and starting back the same day as the kids...it just felt weird...not at all normal.  From day 1 of the 2012-2013 school year, I felt off kilter - not quite right - out of sorts. Little did I know at the time that this feeling was a foreshadowing of things to come. I was getting ready to receive a curve ball that would change the course of my life. In September, my Dad shared the news with me that he'd been diagnosed with prostate cancer and had been given a Gleeson score of 8 (which in most cases indicates that the chance the cancer has spread is greater).  To say the least, I was floored!  After hanging up the phone, I got in my van and drove and yelled/screamed at God.  "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, LORD? MY DAD HAS LOVED AND SERVED YOU FAITHFULLY! IS THIS HOW YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE TO YOUR FAITHFUL SERVANTS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!"  I was angry, confused and very scared!

Typically, I talked to my parents several times a day, but after that September afternoon, without realizing it I had stopped talking to them as frequently.  I was afraid I'd say something that would "mess up" Dad's healing or speak negativity and I didn't want to do that.  After a lengthy and tearful conversation with my Dad, I went back to the normal communication routine but something was different in me.  I felt a shift from being fearful to being faithful.  I found every scripture I could related to healing, faith, trust and blessings and posted them everywhere so that I could speak healing over my Dad and speak faith words all the time. And then, the unthinkable happened and my world came crashing down. My Dad died in spite of trusting and believing and I was left in a mournful heap ashes.  Where was I supposed to go from here...what was I supposed to do or believe now?

I still struggle everyday with why and how this happened.  I also ask myself if perhaps my prayers weren't right or my faith wasn't deep enough or I didn't trust enough. I think, perhaps I'll always have those questions but as I move along this journey, I'm beginning to understand that letting go of the way we were doesn't mean forgetting...nope, it means letting go of the "old normal" to make room for the "new normal".  I'm not forgetting my Dad or his love for me or the fun we had together.  I could NEVER forget - it is embedded in my heart for all time.  No, I think letting go is just the opposite because by striving to carve out my "new normal" I'm honoring his life and legacy.  I think in letting go we are better able to hang on (sounds crazy, right?)...hang on to our past without allowing it to press us down. Letting go provides renewed strength to help us hang on to our present so that I/we can live in the moment. I know that Dad would want me to move forward in faith - "letting go of what is past and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Phil 3:12-14 paraphrased).  I think the word "straining" describes perfectly where I am right now.  I'm straining to get through this- to get where the Lord wants me so that I can be who the Lord wants me to be.  It will continue to be a "strain" for me to move through the rest of my days on earth without my Dad's physical presence.  He was a HUGE part of my life and the lives of my children and the void in my heart, I think, will remain until I see him again in Heaven.  I know that there are still many difficult days ahead and as we get closer to the anniversary of his death...well, I'm already dreading that and wondering what that day will look and feel like.

I miss my Daddy every single day.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him several times throughout the day.  People tell me that gradually, that will change...but I don't want that to change.  I want to hold him close in my thoughts and in my heart...ALWAYS. I wish that I could talk to him...wrap my arms around his chest and squeeze him tight (I'm too short to put my arms around his neck) - he did give the best hugs.  I wish I could see that warm, friendly smile in the flesh or hear that boisterous infectious guffaw of his just once more in person.

My sweet friend, Lisa Johnson, shared this song with me.  If my Dad had been a songwriter...I think he'd have written this for me for such a time as this. I've only been able to listen to it a couple of times but it's a haunting melody with a beautiful message of hope.

Dad I'll see you someday " away down the river" but until then...I LOVE YA ALL THE WAY TO HEAVEN...FOR ALWAYS!!!

Baby, dry your eyesThere's no need to cry‘Cause I'll see you againIt might be a while before you understand
I'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or moreCrossing over JordanTo the other shore
I'll be standing waitingWith all who've gone beforeI'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or more
Now the pictures on the wallWill help you to recallThey're not there to make you sadBut to remember all the good times we had
I'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or moreCrossing over JordanTo the other shore
I'll be standing waitingWith all who've gone beforeI'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or more
When it's time to leaveYou're gonna feel the mountain breezeAnd the snow will fill the streamAnd carry you to me
I'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or moreCrossing over JordanTo the other shore
I'll be standing waitingWith all who've gone beforeI'm just away down the riverA hundred miles or more.

The darkness of why, trust and finishing the good work in me

My mom heard a sermon on Easter Sunday about "walking around in the darkness of why" ... and as we talked about that message, we related to walking in that darkness.  Why did Dad get cancer? Why did a surgery that was presented in such a hopeful manner somehow go terribly wrong?  Why didn't the Lord heal Dad in his physical body?  Why did He allow Dad's death to pass through His hands?  Why did the Lord see fit to set us on this journey?  See what I mean?  The darkness of why can consume us and sometimes it does just that.  It shuts out all hope and light.  When I constantly ask why, my thoughts become muddled by doubt, fear, uncertainty and faithlessness.  It becomes a matter of will...my will versus God's will.  Is it God's will for me to walk around in the darkness of why?  No, it's not His will...He wants me to trust Him...to trust His heart even in those moments when I am unable to find His hand. He wants me to forge through my grief to my faith and not continue to rely on the faith of my father.  If my will were done, my Dad would be here...alive and well and playing with his grandchildren.  If my will were done...I wouldn't be on this journey.  It's a journey of letting go while still hanging on.  Letting go of "why" while hanging on to faith. It's a difficult place to be; a crossroads of sorts. I'm navigating through uncharted territory (uncharted for me anyway).

I find myself unable to talk with God right now...if and when I pray all I can muster is "Thank you, Lord for another day." I'm so glad that He sees beyond my grief and knows that it's a process.  There are days that I don't talk to God at all but I know that He's right there waiting for me.  He isn't rushing me through the journey.  And while I know He desires a close relationship with me and I with Him, He is willing to wait for me...for my heart to catch up.  He isn't dragging me through it kicking and screaming (although there has been, and probably will be more, kicking and screaming along the way).  He's guiding me, even when I don't see it or feel it or even think I want it.  He's placing people along my path - behind, beside and even in front to help me heal.

This I know and choose to believe, even when my flesh is not sure...I choose to believe in my soul and have confidence that The One who began a good work in me will be faithful to see it through until Christ returns. (Phil 1:6 paraphrased)

Many years ago, I sang this song and loved it; it spoke to my spirit. While Dad was in the hospital a dear long-time friend shared it with me again and one of the pastors who eulogized Dad unknowingly used paraphrased lyrics during the service.  I share it here because it speaks to my spirit in a very different way now than the first time I sang/heard it...I hope it speaks to you, too.

Faith and Loss

How do we reconcile our faith with profound loss?  How do we make sense out of something that doesn't make sense?  It seems that I'm spinning my wheels trying to find some sense in the midst of this great loss. In a sense, I guess I'm trying to figure God out...trying to catch a glimpse of His plan but it's impossible for me to see right now.  I sit here, in the middle of my grief, piling up my ashes around me thinking that somehow that will help. I'm wrestling with God...wrestling with "the plan", working my brain into a frenzy trying to figure out what's going on - what I'm supposed to do with all this emotion. Today, in this moment...I must confess that I haven't got a clue...not one inkling of an idea about the what, where and how of it all.

I know that my Dad is in Heaven.  On the one hand, I'm fully aware of his absence from his physical body but on the other hand I find it unfathomable that he is gone.  I keep thinking that somehow this has been a terrible mistake...that it was the wrong body in that ICU bed...that at any moment I'll pick up the phone and he'll be on the other end.  My mind knows he is gone from this world but my heart is having a most difficult time catching up.  I've heard it said that the heart wants what the heart wants...my heart wants my Dad, here and healthy.  I know, I know, it's selfish of me.  My profound loss is Heaven's profound gain...my tragedy is Heaven's rejoicing.  I don't mean to say that Heaven rejoices in my sorrow but that the loss which causes my great sorrow caused great rejoicing in Heaven.  I know that I know that I know that my Dad heard those wonderful words of welcome from the Heavenly Father, Well done, good and faithful servant...welcome home!"

How do I reconcile my faith with my loss... TRUST!  In the middle of the dark night of the soul...I will choose to trust Him.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm starting from scratch and more often than not I need to strip away all the trappings of religion and denomination and get back to basics...get back to the heart of the matter.  I'm not there yet but I have the desire to get there...to learn to trust the Lord again...or maybe to trust Him fully for the first time.  I'm so glad that I serve a Saviour who is acquainted with my grief and understands my human-ness.  Who suffered in human flesh so that He could identify with my human flesh.  The Heavenly Father can absorb a lot and I'm grateful for that fact.  Right now, I seem to be somewhere between faith and my loss. There's an old pop song that comes to mind when I think of where I am in my relationship with my Saviour.  It's a song sung by The Four Seasons called "Working my Way Back to You" and the lyric that came to me just now was "I'll keep working my way back to you, babe, with a burning love inside..."  I just changed "babe" to "Lord". 

So, that's what I'll keep doing...working my way back to you Lord with a burning love inside.

Where Do I Go From Here?

On November 21, 2012 life as I had known it came to a screeching halt. It was the day before Thanksgiving when Dad got his promotion from this first world into eternity. It was the worst day of my life and the beginning of the most difficult journey I have ever had to walk.

In some ways, I feel abandoned by God, as if He somehow slighted me. So many whys swirling around in my mind…so many unanswered questions. Questions that I know, logically, will never be answered in this life but that doesn’t make me want the answers any less. I ask myself why God heals some in this world and chooses not to heal others here on this earth. Is one life worth more to Him here and others worth more to Him in Glory? Do our prayers really move God? If He has already seen the beginning to the end…is there any altering that plan? Is it possible to pray “Thy will be done” and really mean it…I mean afterall, we are flesh and our human nature wants what we want…right? I wanted my Dad to be healed; restored to perfect health here in this life. I love him and need him…I want him here. Why didn’t he receive the healing that we prayed and believed for – healing that we trusted God to bring to fruition? I know that God could have, at any moment, raised my Dad up and brought him perfect health so that he could have continued to preach and teach the Word of God. But no healing came and I stood by the bed of my wonderful, precious earthly father as he passed from this world into eternity. Those gathered with us in those moments raised our voices in praise to the Heavenly Father that we had believed would heal this faithful servant…but no miracle came…no Lazarus moment. Where was our miracle?

On the bad days…I cry and I have a knot in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away. I feel this overwhelming desire to “fix it” knowing that it can’t be fixed…EVER. Today, right now, I feel as though this hole in my soul will remain with me until I see my Dad’s sweet million dollar smile again. On these days, which happen more often than not, I feel as though there is no laughter left…but I know this isn’t the way Dad lived and he wouldn’t want this for me. I know that his legacy is one of faith and hope…the hope of Glory in Christ Jesus.

On good days, I know that we did, in fact, receive a miracle…the miracle of my Dad’s eternal life; a life that he now lives out in the presence of the Lord that he served so faithfully for so many years. I know that he is well and happy and free. I no longer have to worry about his health and well-being because he is in perfect health. I’m sure that if they play sports in Heaven, my Dad has already got a team together in at least 2 (basketball and football). On good days, I can see God’s mercy in my Dad’s situation and the love He has for my Daddy and I can see, through tears, the love the Heavenly Father has for me through the people He allows to cross my path…those folks to help me and hold me up during this journey.

So, I get up every day and try to be the best wife and mother that I can be in the moment and hope that my children love me as much I as love my Dad. I say love rather than loved because I still love him…he isn’t here with me but my love, I believe, reaches all the way to Heaven and I know that my Dad continues to feel the love of his family and friends.

This may seem like rambling…and it may be…but I figure I have to start somewhere and this is point A for me. I hope that whatever journey you are on, that you aren’t traveling alone. I hope that you have people surrounding you, as I do, who are willing to let you walk the journey at your pace all the while holding your hand.

My journey through grief is really just beginning…I hope that somehow sharing my thoughts along the way not only help bring healing to my heart and soul but help others in whatever part of the journey they are in. It is my desire to live the kind of godly life that my Dad lived. He didn’t just tell me to live a godly life…he lived one and let me watch and I am forever grateful that I had the privilege to be Darryl’s daughter.

I miss you, Dad…every minute!

DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID!!!!!

I'm going to take this opportunity to vent...I really cannot believe that educated, Americans think that any form of socialism is good and will work to make things better! I don't want the government to tell me which doctors I have to see or take my children to see! I don't want to pay for abortions here and abroad! I don't to pay for privileges for folks who are here illegally! I DO NOT believe that the Constitution of the United States is an "out-dated" document and needs revision or, worse yet needs to be nullified!!! Seriously?! What planet is Pelosi REALLY from...Is this really what all these"supporters of change" want? Do we really want the government to be able to tell all of us where, how, when and for what we can spend our money, time and energy?! NO!! Do we really want our leaders to bankrupt the coal industry? An industry, that for many is the only work they have in their region! My grandfather was a coal miner - that's how he provided for his family, how he kept them off welfare and what helped him continue to contribute to the up keep of his home and family after he was paralyzed in a coal car accident. What will "the administration" do to replace the jobs of all those miners if the "cap and trade" goes through? Have they really thought about that...American communities that are already living in or near poverty (yes, we have those communities right here in the good ol USA) will be driven further into the "hole". Wow, now that's what I call CHANGE!!!!

It's so funny to me that when "the left" protests or believes something is wrong they're held up as progressive thinkers and proponents of change but when "the right" does the same, it's called a "gathering of a bunch of nuts and kooks" - "the left" wants the world to show tolerance for their causes and beliefs, yet they don't afford that same luxury to anyone else. Hmmmm, HELLO "POT"!!!!

Now, I ask you...if I go to France, do I have the option to "press 2 to hear directions in English"? NO I DO NOT! In Mexico, do have the option of having the grocery aisle labeled in Spanish on one side and in English on the other....NO I DO NOT! If I visit these countries, I'm expected to either know their language or get by as best I can. If I'm in a country other than America that has a large English speaking population, do I see the weather alerts flash in 2 languages? Again, the answer is NOPE! I live in America - I shouldn't have to "press 1 to hear directions in English" and the French shouldn't have to "press 1" in France and the Mexican shouldn't have to "press 1" in Mexico... If I'm going to move to France, then I should make it a point to learn their language before I get there (at least well enough to communicate effectively).

We have our first multi-racial president...great, wonderful - it's progress! Now, let's support him and his party as they take us to the trash heap, throw us under the bus, rob us of our "American-ness" - This is NOT the kind of change I want and I'd reeeeeally like to believe that even those who stand to the left of the aisle don't want that either. If socialism and communism work so well, then why are there sooooo many emigrants from those countries flocking to America. If they thought that this form of government was good and worked to help all citizens...then why are they HERE, in America...the "land of opportunity"? Has anyone "on the hill" asked themselves that question?

I read a remark made by a friend of mine from college and was taken aback by what she said. She remarked how she "hated everything G.W. stood for and was..." Okay, this is a person who professes to be a Christian-and her words bother me a great deal. G.W. is a Christian as well, this is something he "was"-family and Christian values something he stood for - he sought God's wisdom and guidance through prayer something else he stood for...so am I to believe that she "hated" those things - "EVERYTHING" encompasses a whole bunch a business! Do I agree with every decision that those in leadership make...no, was he perfect, no -NO PRESIDENT IS NOW OR EVER WILL BE PERFECT! I admire G.W. because he wasn't in any way ashamed of his faith...can as much be said for our current leader?

We are definitely on the brink of change - at a crossroad so to speak...but is it a change for the better or one that is going to turn us into an international laughing stock? I was listening to the National Anthem being played at a recent sporting event...and as I listened, I got teary-eyed (which I usually do) but this time it wasn't for the same reasons that I normally do - this time it was because I wondered how much longer we'd be able to hear that song played as our anthem...will that be yet another "change"?

I am proud to be an American and I'm grateful for the freedoms that are afforded to us as LEGAL Americans. I'm proud that anyone who wants to build a better life can legally enter this country and do so.

I did not vote for our current president, but he is the president and I need to pray for him. Pray for God's wisdom and guidance...even if he himself doesn't seek it. As a nation that, contrary to popular belief, was and is founded on Godly principles, we need to be on our knees before our Lord, praying and fasting for our country and its direction and leadership. I believe EVERYONE regardless of race, creed, religion, politics, etc. should have the opportunity to live in freedom and pursue happiness in the way that they see fit as long as those methods are within the law and don't infringe on the rights and liberties of others.

Our current leader is NOT the "saviour" of the world...he is fallible flesh and blood, imperfect just like the rest of the human race. He puts his pants on the same way the rest of us do. I only know of ONE Saviour of the world...and His name is JESUS and no matter what happens...HE is still in control of spinning the "big blue ball" - and for that I am thankful!!!

The Long Goodbye

My sweet husband got the call last night from his mother. His grandmother is not doing well and has been given very little chance of recovery. She is 88 years old - a wonderful soul! A true "southern lady" - she was always so gracious to me, even before I became a "granddaughter in law". She is a retired nurse and before she was diagnosed with Alzhiemers Disease, she took care of anyone and everyone who was sick. That was her gift. She could make the grumpiest patient feel better. She cared for Granddaddy Freeman (whom I never had the pleasure of knowing) while he battled cancer and then later in life cared for her second husband who also had cancer. She is a strong, independent woman, so my mother in law comes by her strength and independence quite honestly. I know that it has been difficult for her to watch "MaMa" deteriorate over the last several years. Unfortunately, none of us "kids" have been in close enough proximity to provide any type of physical help in the care of MaMa these last few years. It is true, what they say about Alzhiemers - it really is the "long goodbye." The grandmother that we all know has been gone now for a while - but her earthly vessel is here and somehow that has brought comfort...just knowing she is still here.

My husband and his 2 sisters have so many wonderful memories of spending summers at her house. I've heard so many stories, and each one brings a smile to the one telling the tale and those of us listening. She loved the outdoors, loved to garden and work in her yard. She could make a paper clip grow...her yard was a showplace - the colors and the smells-WOW, you just can't imagine. Green thumb is an understatement! She didn't care to much for squirrels though...they were all kinda "skeert" of her and rightly so.


And now, we wait for the call that will inevitably come. Waiting is a difficult thing and as we wait, I realize that she's been waiting a long, long time to be reunited with Granddaddy F, her son R and her parents. Heaven is before her -in all it's splendor...the place that Jesus has prepared for her awaits her arrival - a place where she'll be whole and able to think clearly. A place where loved ones wait for her and a place where we will see her again someday. Her loss will be felt deeply by all of us who know and love her, but we are comforted to know that she will be with Jesus, whom she has loved and served so diligently for so many wonderful years.


Kirstyn, Sara Beth, Garrett in MaMa's lap, Connor, Cole -July 2005

"I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine


[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory,
what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine