My mom heard a sermon on Easter Sunday about "walking around in the darkness of why" ... and as we talked about that message, we related to walking in that darkness. Why did Dad get cancer? Why did a surgery that was presented in such a hopeful manner somehow go terribly wrong? Why didn't the Lord heal Dad in his physical body? Why did He allow Dad's death to pass through His hands? Why did the Lord see fit to set us on this journey? See what I mean? The darkness of why can consume us and sometimes it does just that. It shuts out all hope and light. When I constantly ask why, my thoughts become muddled by doubt, fear, uncertainty and faithlessness. It becomes a matter of will...my will versus God's will. Is it God's will for me to walk around in the darkness of why? No, it's not His will...He wants me to trust Him...to trust His heart even in those moments when I am unable to find His hand. He wants me to forge through my grief to my faith and not continue to rely on the faith of my father. If my will were done, my Dad would be here...alive and well and playing with his grandchildren. If my will were done...I wouldn't be on this journey. It's a journey of letting go while still hanging on. Letting go of "why" while hanging on to faith. It's a difficult place to be; a crossroads of sorts. I'm navigating through uncharted territory (uncharted for me anyway).
I find myself unable to talk with God right now...if and when I pray all I can muster is "Thank you, Lord for another day." I'm so glad that He sees beyond my grief and knows that it's a process. There are days that I don't talk to God at all but I know that He's right there waiting for me. He isn't rushing me through the journey. And while I know He desires a close relationship with me and I with Him, He is willing to wait for me...for my heart to catch up. He isn't dragging me through it kicking and screaming (although there has been, and probably will be more, kicking and screaming along the way). He's guiding me, even when I don't see it or feel it or even think I want it. He's placing people along my path - behind, beside and even in front to help me heal.
This I know and choose to believe, even when my flesh is not sure...I choose to believe in my soul and have confidence that The One who began a good work in me will be faithful to see it through until Christ returns. (Phil 1:6 paraphrased)
Many years ago, I sang this song and loved it; it spoke to my spirit. While Dad was in the hospital a dear long-time friend shared it with me again and one of the pastors who eulogized Dad unknowingly used paraphrased lyrics during the service. I share it here because it speaks to my spirit in a very different way now than the first time I sang/heard it...I hope it speaks to you, too.