Monday, October 6, 2014

It feels like yesterday and forever

Fall is in the air...the mornings are a little crisper and the evenings a little cooler. The air isn't quite so heavy and the good hair days start to outweigh the bad hair days. This has always been one of my favorite seasons...in recent years it's a bittersweet season for me as I find my way back to complete faith and total trust in God.  It's a more difficult journey than I could have ever anticipated. Being raised in a household of faith, I didn't see this season coming. This season of uncertainty and doubt...never thought I'd be here or at least not this long. It scares me!

I want to go back to being ok...I want to go back to being the person I was before losing someone I loved changed me...and not just momentarily...it has changed me FOREVER! I will never again be the same person I was before Dad died. "Dad died"...it still sounds so unreal - I still find myself finding it difficult to believe...but it IS real! Very painfully REAL!

I miss my daddy everyday but some days are harder than others...some moments are more difficult than others. There are moments on a cool fall evening when I'm riding in my van with windows down and I hear the song of the cicada and remember the many nights riding with my Dad up the valley when we lived in LaFollette or home from a ballgame when we lived out on Bates Pike in Cleveland. I can't describe how heavy my heart becomes when I think about the fact that I'll never ride with my Dad again in this life. I'll never get to talk about the resurgence of UT football with him, sit and listen to his hilarious high school stories (I wish I had written them all down somewhere) or sit under his teaching of the Word. I miss everything about him every single day!

Death changes everything! It changes the way you look at and see every situation! Every aspect of your life is eternally altered. I find myself many many times thinking and saying "IT'S NOT FAIR!" And in the flesh, it's not fair but for eternity...it's all good. My hope through this journey is that when I push through the pain and sadness, that on the other side I'll find the strong faith that my father had bubbling up inside of me. That I'll have the unwavering trust that He does have a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. The evidence that all things have worked together for good because I do love Him and want to love Him more. When I find myself on the other side of this season, my prayer is that the person I become is the person that God intends me to be.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...

Pressing on...
L

2 comments:

Sarah Foster said...

Me too. Just the weirdest thing to say my sister died. You grieve with smiles and fondness... I'm still dealing with anger and bitterness. I want to be me again.

Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

me...with thoughts of why mom did not desire a relationship with me or my children. So maybe regret or disappointment, life is so hard and even more difficult to explain sometimes!

We should all go out to dinner one night!

The grieving sista's dinner therapy session.

and just a friendly word of advice, you should begin to write all those stories you Dad told down in a notebook!

Love ya
R