Faith and Loss

How do we reconcile our faith with profound loss?  How do we make sense out of something that doesn't make sense?  It seems that I'm spinning my wheels trying to find some sense in the midst of this great loss. In a sense, I guess I'm trying to figure God out...trying to catch a glimpse of His plan but it's impossible for me to see right now.  I sit here, in the middle of my grief, piling up my ashes around me thinking that somehow that will help. I'm wrestling with God...wrestling with "the plan", working my brain into a frenzy trying to figure out what's going on - what I'm supposed to do with all this emotion. Today, in this moment...I must confess that I haven't got a clue...not one inkling of an idea about the what, where and how of it all.

I know that my Dad is in Heaven.  On the one hand, I'm fully aware of his absence from his physical body but on the other hand I find it unfathomable that he is gone.  I keep thinking that somehow this has been a terrible mistake...that it was the wrong body in that ICU bed...that at any moment I'll pick up the phone and he'll be on the other end.  My mind knows he is gone from this world but my heart is having a most difficult time catching up.  I've heard it said that the heart wants what the heart wants...my heart wants my Dad, here and healthy.  I know, I know, it's selfish of me.  My profound loss is Heaven's profound gain...my tragedy is Heaven's rejoicing.  I don't mean to say that Heaven rejoices in my sorrow but that the loss which causes my great sorrow caused great rejoicing in Heaven.  I know that I know that I know that my Dad heard those wonderful words of welcome from the Heavenly Father, Well done, good and faithful servant...welcome home!"

How do I reconcile my faith with my loss... TRUST!  In the middle of the dark night of the soul...I will choose to trust Him.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm starting from scratch and more often than not I need to strip away all the trappings of religion and denomination and get back to basics...get back to the heart of the matter.  I'm not there yet but I have the desire to get there...to learn to trust the Lord again...or maybe to trust Him fully for the first time.  I'm so glad that I serve a Saviour who is acquainted with my grief and understands my human-ness.  Who suffered in human flesh so that He could identify with my human flesh.  The Heavenly Father can absorb a lot and I'm grateful for that fact.  Right now, I seem to be somewhere between faith and my loss. There's an old pop song that comes to mind when I think of where I am in my relationship with my Saviour.  It's a song sung by The Four Seasons called "Working my Way Back to You" and the lyric that came to me just now was "I'll keep working my way back to you, babe, with a burning love inside..."  I just changed "babe" to "Lord". 

So, that's what I'll keep doing...working my way back to you Lord with a burning love inside.

Out of the mouths of babes

So the other day, while waiting in the van for DH and DD at the kennel, I notice my 3 year old DS playing with some change and then out of the blue he says "God". So I inquired..."What about God, Garrett?" "God is for saving me." he replies and then continues on saying, "God is for saving everybody and this money is for gifts." So I asked, "Gifts for who?" DS says, "Gifts for God, Mommy!" Now, this may not seem like something significant to you but to me, to be watching my 3 year old arranging and stacking coins and hear him say that right out of the blue...I don't know, it just says something to me about the "faith of a child." DS didn't try to rationalize God's saving grace he just proclaimed it...very "matter of fact" with profound certainity. I think children have a innate spirituality and while we are born with a sinful nature, as children we are much more receptive and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I hear it in the words and expressed thoughts of both of my children. Several weeks ago, on our way to a family outting, DS says, "There's God." So I asked him where God was (thinking there was a church sponsored billboard nearby). However, he pointed straight out the front windshield and said, "Right there in front of the car."

I want my children to grow up knowing and believing that Jesus heals their infirmities, cares about the little things in their lives, knows them (every part of them) and loves them unconditionally. I also know that sometimes, my flesh is very strong and I don't always "practice what I preach" so to speak. Many times I am weak, but then I hear and see the faith of my children in little things and realize that in my weakness HE is strong and that HE'LL use me in spite of myself to minister to my children. And in so many ways, HE uses my children to minister to me and to strengthen my faith.

"And a little child shall lead them..."